Do Men Know “How To Love”?

Written by Christian Carter |  2 Comments

Want to learn something about men that most women will never know?

Ok, then check this out…

What’s the best way to get a man to the right “emotional place” where he’s open to you both falling for each other and wanting to spend the future together?

Well, I’m about to share a SECRET with you about doing exactly this.

Did you know that there’s ONE SIMPLE THING you can do with a man to help move things from that first meeting or the “casual dating” stage
to a happy, healthy, committed relationship?

It has to do with something surprising and unexpected.

I’ve spent years studying the complex process that leads up to and helps create a committed relationship between a man and a woman.

And there’s one thing I always come back to as one of the most important ideas because I hear about it everyday from women I know or who
email me:

When it comes to men and dating, moving from casual to committed can be the most emotionally difficult and “dangerous” stage for a woman.

It’s where all the worst things can happen.

It’s where all the RISK is.

It’s what can hurt the most.

And of course, it’s where all the long term “rewards” are.

Funny how dangers can be gifts as well…

Well, that’s what I want to talk to you about.

There’s one simple idea or “strategy” I’m going to share with you that is the single most powerful and effective way to help you press FAST FORWARD and help you get to a great “long-term” place in your love-life.

And by “long-term” I mean long term rewards both personally and with men.

Both are important.

The problem is, you might not see how or why the strategy will work for you when you hear it.

Actually, I bet that you’ll refuse to even believe that it’s something that could ever work for you. That it’s too simple to really guide you
on a good path.

But, I know that if you suspend your disbelief, that the strategy will help you move forward to a new place in your love-life.

A place where you’ll feel much more comfortable and “in control” of where your heart ends up.

(I don’t mean the control freak kind of “in control” here – I’m talking about making CONSCIOUS smart choices that lead to great situations instead of blind ambition that leads to heartache)

Plus, as an added benefit, this strategy will lead you to “naturally” avoid the mess of the pain and mistakes tons of other women make when it comes to critical transition stages with men and relationships.

So here we go…


Let me ask you an important question…

Have you ever noticed yourself trying to “teach” a man how to love, love you, or how to have a “real” relationship?

I know, it sounds ridiculous that you’d need to teach someone how to love, but I’m sure you already know what I’m talking about as a woman.

So let’s get the question out there in the open so we can talk about it:

Do men not know how to love a woman?

Here’s your tough-love for the day…

The short answer is NO.

Most men DON’T KNOW HOW to love a woman the way they want to be loved.

Which brings me to another fascinating question that I like to ask women:

How is a man supposed to know how to love you, if he doesn’t already know on his own?

The easy answer is – you have to show him how to love you and how you want to be treated.

But if you’re like most women, (and men!) then you don’t want to have to spell it out for the other person.

Not much romance here, right?

And for some funny weird deep psychological reason it doesn’t feel the same if you do spell out what you want and get it.

It’s like the magic is gone, right?

I’ve felt this one myself.

I get it.

So how do you go about showing a man how to love you if he doesn’t “get it” on his own, without making it so that you don’t enjoy the process yourself?

Here’s the “usual” approach I see women take.

They end up trying to teach men who don’t get it the absolute basics about loving, being a good boyfriend and about how to have a good relationship.

Kind of like a boyfriend improvement program.

Know what I’m talking about?

Ever been a boyfriend boot camp instructor?

And does it work?

Think about the whole situation for a second.

There’s a great story I like to tell around this exact thing…

It’s about a man and a woman.

(Tell me if it sounds at all familiar)

There’s this guy that a woman is attracted to and has a great connection with.

She’s been seeing him for a little while now and they’ve both grown pretty close.

Things have even progressed in the relationship, but only through that “casually starting to get serious” thing.

You know… where it feels so comfortable and natural to be with a man that you don’t question ANYTHING as things seem to all just fall into place.

But there’s something else going on for the woman here…

Something that she hasn’t mentioned, but it’s bugging her and lurking in the back of her mind.

The truth is that she’s never really had “the talk” or anything like it with her guy, so she’s NOT EXACTLY SURE where things are at and what everything means.

But she’s already opened herself up and shared so much that she’s “past that point of no return” emotionally.

And as her feelings are growing she’s starting to feel something awful inside-

She’s starting to feel VULNERABLE and UNCERTAIN.

Not knowing exactly what’s happening in the guy’s mind, and him not talking or expressing his feelings is seriously starting to drive her CRAZY.

But in the face of all this emotional uncertainty, she’s trying her best to “play it cool”.

Then finally, it happens…

She realizes that things aren’t on the “up-and-up” the way they seemed at first, and her unconscious fears start to take over.

That easy and ever-present attraction, magnetism and connection isn’t there like it used to be.

In fact, the guy is starting to withdraw and she picks up on all kinds of weird feelings and behaviors that she didn’t see in him before when things were fun, easy and “new” together.

And now she’s not sure what to do or how to get things back to how they used to be.

So she comes up with an idea-

She wants to be the one that leads him to understand that they DESERVE BETTER, and that they can have a beautiful love-life together if
he listens to her, chooses her and commits to making it work.

So she thinks that if she could just have the chance to really TELL HIM how she FEELS ABOUT HIM that he’d see the light, understand where things
are going wrong, and he’d come running into her arms.

Then she’d be able to teach him how to give and receive love, and give him everything he’s always wanted in a woman and they’d be happy and
in love.

End of story.

So tell me, how do you think the story turned out for the woman?

Did her man see the light?

Was she able to teach him?

Did they live happily ever after?

I want you to think about it, because I can almost guarantee that you recognized something about yourself in this story.

I did, and I’m not even a woman. It’s just that these are pretty universal experiences when it comes to how we behave as humans around the psychology of dating and relationships.

So here’s some quick homework that I know will do you good.

Spend a few minutes thinking through the situation and the “psychology” of it all.

Think the story through for a minute and how it applies to your life.

Good, now let’s talk about it…


The reason I know about the situation of telling someone how you feel and getting them to “see the light” and come running to you so well is that I’ve LIVED IT several times in my life.

In my case, the roles were reversed and I did this hopeless thing with several women I dated in the past.

And looking back, as bizarre as it seems, I only ended up doing this and acting this way with the women who weren’t really the right ones for me
when I looked at the reality of it all.

It’s kind of a freak-show really…

Because of the intense feelings I was having and the “drama” of it all, I was wrapped up in these women and how they lived their lives, even
though what was going on and what I was getting from them and the situation wasn’t anything that great at all.

In fact, it was a waste of my time and energy.

The truth was that I was involved in all kinds of behavior and situation that weren’t really about me and what I wanted in my life.

Almost everything that was happening was about getting things that really weren’t that important to ME in the long run.

And now, in hindsight, it’s crystal clear what was going on-

The real trouble in these situations was that the ATTRACTION and the CONNECTION I was feeling did something crazy to me…

The ATTRACTION and CONNECTION I was feeling seriously distorted my focus and distracted me from what I was really after and what I valued.

Now that I’ve been there, I recognize women doing this same thing all the time with men.

Because of what’s going on with the man in their lives, they’ll try all kinds of unbelievable things they would normally never do, and put
themselves in awful, painful and uncomfortable situations, just to try and keep getting back to the good FEELINGS they want to hold on to that they
had in the past.

They want to get back to the way they felt when things were great, and don’t think twice about the trade off they’re making to get there just for
a short moment.

What’s going on here?

It’s simple really.

We’re seeking pleasure and avoiding pain.

In these kinds of situations, women (and men) just want to get back to the ATTRACTION and CONNECTION that they experienced that made them feel so good at the time.

And there’s something else going on here too.

It’s a fascinating human psychological response mechanism…

When someone is drifting away from us or acting distant, our first reaction is to tighten our grip and pull them towards us even harder.

And we do this on a largely unconscious level without even realizing that we’re doing it.

But to get the RESULTS that you want, (getting closer) it usually takes doing something completely COUNTERINTUITIVE.

Lots of women try and take the common-sense approach with men of trying to address the issues, fears and shortcomings that the guy has head on
and talk it through.

This makes complete SENSE, but it rarely WORKS the way we want it to.

On the other hand, there’s something I see that most of the successful women I’ve met do to attract great men and build fantastic relationships in their lives.

And it’s obvious that women who end up with great guys and lead happy love-lives really “get” this…

There’s two ways you can live and function with a man in your life (and as your own person if you want to go there):

Choice #1: You can have an EXTERNAL frame or reference for your needs, goals, fulfillment, emotions and direction.

Here you focus on what other people are thinking and doing, and you most often follow the path that other people lay out before you as your own.

Choice #2: You can have an INTERNAL frame of reference for all the most important things in your life.

Here it’s YOU who decides what you want, how you’re going to feel, what you’re going to accept and what you’re not going to put up with from other people.

Here you’re going in the direction of what you want and what you’re after, and other people are free to join you on your way.

So what’s your frame of reference?

Internal or external?

After talking to women and observing and getting to know a bit about their “inner psychology”, I’ve found some common links.

The women that I see are happiest and most often end up finding healthy, mature relationships with men are women that use their own internal
frame of reference as their “emotional compass”.

In other words, they have a direction and a path that they’re on, and NO MATTER WHAT a man is doing, they keep moving in the direction of what they want.

But the most important part here isn’t the most obvious.

Because these women have their own “compass”, they DON’T do something lots of other women do…

They never let a man’s emotional problems, issues or shortcomings become THEIR responsibility and burden.

It doesn’t become their problem in life that they’re trying to solve.

They realize the boundaries of the situation, and that it’s ONLY the man’s choice to figure it out for himself or not.

So what should a woman do instead?

Well, here’s the secret strategy I was talking about earlier…


If you stop trying to make things the way you want them to be with a man, and start doing the things that lead him with your own “compass”
that I’ll show you, you’ll “naturally” start creating the situations you want with men.

I know, it might sound like a lot of fluff.

But that’s because the “meat” of this strategy isn’t the strategy itself.

It’s in the application of it in your life.

It’s a process…

So here’s more about what that process looks like-

If you want to figure out how to go from casual to committed with a man, and there’s problems along the way or resistance from him- DON’T “TRY” to teach him how.


Because you’ll fight an uphill battle all the way.

The kind where you fall into the unavoidable psychological and emotional trap of worrying about the man’s mindset more than acting on what’s good
for YOU.

And now you’re back to that external frame of reference.

There’s a better way…

Instead, learn to LEAD a man to think and see things from YOUR frame of reference.

Have him see how you want your love-life to be and what your reality is.

And the less you try to make this happen, the more it will naturally start to take shape.

Bu the ONLY way to do this is to start thinking and living with an INTERNAL frame of reference for yourself.

And it’s tougher than it sounds.

But this psychological “shift” will have a MAJOR impact on your life and the people around you.

Especially with men.

I’ve literally seen men go from flaky and reluctant with the woman in their lives to attentive and desiring of a more committed and serious relationship almost entirely because the woman made the critical shift to her own frame of reference with her thinking and behavior.

And instead of waiting for a man to give them the things that they wanted the way they used to, these women changed the situation by changing

They stopped waiting for the guy who wasn’t on the same page with them to start giving them what they thought they wanted.

And it’s at this point that something powerful happens in the process-

The woman begins to see that she’s the one teaching the man how to think about her as a woman and as a lover or girlfriend.

Read that again. It’s important.

You, and only you, are the one who teaches a man how to treat you.

So let me be absolutely clear…

Worrying about why a man acts the way he does and trying to “fix” anything about him is a WASTE OF TIME.

Yes, it means you’re being a good person if you’re there for a man when he needs you.

And NO, it doesn’t mean you’re being a good person if he’s making you frustrated and unhappy with your life and you wish he was different -
so you try to change him so he can lead a better life with you.

You see the difference.


So let’s say you “settle” in the short-run for a flaky situation with a guy that you honestly don’t feel that good about because he’s unavailable
or just doesn’t know how to have a loving relationship the way you know how.

In this situation, even if you’re trying to change things and turn the situation around for the better, you’re really teaching a man to treat
you like a flaky fling.

If you’re living with flakiness and “unavailable” behavior from a man, flakiness and unavailable behavior is exactly what you’re going to get now and in the future.

So here’s where it gets interesting…

Remember how I said that you’re the one who teaches a man how to treat you?

The strange part is that you can’t teach a man how to treat you just by “trying harder”.

But tons of women try through convincing or pleading behaviors.

Here’s the deal.

If you want to teach a man, the only way to do it is by LEADING him.

And to lead a man, you’ve got to have your own internal frame of reference.

Once you’re seeing and acting in ways that mean you’re conscious and aware of what you want…

And that you start to see where your frame or reference ends and a man’s begins (this is called AWARENESS by the way), here’s what magically
starts to happen…

All kinds of things will start to happen for you and fall into place.

You’ll “naturally” become better at communicating what you want with a man and leading him towards it.

And you’ll do it Without having to go down the road of trying to change him or convince him to do anything “for you”.

Then he’ll start to choose to do things on his own because he sees you differently and is led by your “compass”.

There’s a big emotional element in here too but we don’t have time to get into that one.

But here’s the best part…

Without all these counterproductive things going on (convincing, etc.), you’ll start to psychologically and emotionally LEAD the man you’re with down the path you want to be on.

Instead of what often happens where you end up following him down whatever uncertain or aimless direction he might be headed.

I rarely say this, but trust me on this one…


This “strategy” might not sound so like magic on paper here, but in real-life it’s 1,000 times more effective at helping create the relationship you’re looking for than anything else that makes sense.

And once you’ve stopped trying so hard, start leading.

But there’s are a few vitally important keys to keep in mind and to know about when you start down this path.

Especially if you’re sure you’ve met a great guy and you want to keep things moving closer and closer.

There’s something I call the “Relationship Balance” that I talk about in depth in my ebook.

It’s the general model that I use to explain some of the psychological complexities of dating, attraction and relationships when it comes to men and commitment.

I use the “Relationship Balance” to spell out a detailed “how-to” of taking psychological leadership in your love-life.

And of course it also explains the common mistakes we talked about earlier that tons of women make, tells you in detail why they’ll NEVER work, and let’s you know what to do if you’ve made any of them…

So go to the link below to check out my eBook “Catch Him And Keep Him”.

Inside it, you’ll learn more about how you can use your “emotional compass” to lead a man into craving the kind of loving situation you’re looking for.

And best of all, I’ve made is so that you can check out “Catch Him And Keep Him” without having to pay anything.

Just go to the link below and you can try the eBook for 7 full days to decide if you like it and want to keep it.

If not, simply let me know and you won’t be charged for anything.

That’s how confident I am that you’ll love it and that you’ll get real-world value from it.

So stop stalling, you know you’re curious at least. And what do you have to lose?

You can download it and be reading it in just a few minutes.

Go here and check it out now:

And I’ll talk to you again soon.

In the meantime, best of luck in life and love.

Your Friend,

Christian Carter

Christian Carter is a leading advisor to women on dating, relationships, connection and love. An expert in psychology, communication and behavior, Christian Carter has developed foundational concepts that help women understand men, dating and relationships. Visit Christian's official website, by clicking here.


  1. deb says:

    I respect your opinion in this but im married with 2 kids and my husband has never taken the initiatuve to take me out and things got very boring as we always did things with the kids and never had time on our own. I told him this and said I would like us to go more often and for him to do something for me as I like the element of surprise but nothing happened. I got a little down as my life has been the kids and told him again how I felt and still nothing happened so I thought he doesnt care about our marriage. He manages to take the kids football 3 a week though. He is a great dad but pays no attention to our marriage. So are you saying men are complete divs in understanding what women want. Im sure my husband must be if he cant grasp whats needs to be done to save our marriage. Why CANT men just simply be told what our needs are and they be met as they do have a brain in there somewhere as its funny they can understand things when it suits them. All men do know what women want its just they choose not to bother and accept the consequences. Anyway I feel im rambling I just wanted to get that off my chest. Thank you.

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  2. Lisa says:

    @Deb. Hi I don’t even know if you’ll see this comment but I just wanted to say I know exactly how you feel. But Christian is absolutely right about the way men are – illogical and unfair as it sounds – I have lived this more times than I can say. It’s true – men are from Mars, women are from Venus. Think of it this way – men are always looking for the “next”exciting thing in their life – and no matter WHAT they tell you in the beginning when YOU are the exciting thing in their life and they may truly love you – eventually you’ll be left standing at the preipice wondering what the hell YOU did to make them this way. The answer is you did NOTHING to cause it, but we women feel like we are responsible because we’ve been raised on and drilled constantly to accept the caretaker role. What’s so ingrained in us is that it’s one that were naturally born to being women. If society and parents drilling us aren’t enough – we have the media and LOVE SONGS that tell us the way it’s supposed to be. I hope if you get this that things are better – it’s just a lesson to love yourself first. It’s one I struggle with daily.

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