What To Do If He’s In A Relationship

Written by Christian Carter |  No Comment

Hey there,

I recently got a few questions in an email from a reader, and I wanted to share the email and my response.

I know you’ll want to hear about this one…

Especially if you’ve ever been in that “uncertain” place with a man in your relationship.

>>>Question From A Reader

Hi Christian,

Just bought your e-book and am finding it quite useful…. My fiance proposed to me last Feb, and I was so ecstatic, I moved towns to live with him and changed jobs and left most of my friends behind. (still visit the friends regularly though). After four months of living together, the intimacy and newness has died down (with a few arguments along the way). We are both trying to adjust to living together, and some hurtful things have been said and happened, namely my fiance has insisted we postpone the wedding (after many arrangements have been made), and has mentioned more than once that he’s not sure if he’s up for all the committment that goes with being married, and having a family (acutally has said he is now unsure if he wants all that…) I’m trying to deal with the hurt (actually devistated) feelings of the things I thought we both wanted not happening, and also the fact that what we once had has changed and I now feel like I’m in limbo. I know I have made some mistakes with this situation, but am trying to see if we can turn it around, or if I should just move on. He says he still loves me very much, he’s just not sure if he is up for it all now. He is also a workaholic and is extremely busy with his business (he owns a business)…and I must say has a lot of self-centered tendencies. Anyway… If you have any suggestions regarding which particular sections I should focus on more, it would be appreciated, or if you have heard a similar situation and have any suggestions…



>>>> My Comments

Wow… thanks for sharing.

Sorry to hear about the painful things you’re going through, but as hard as it might be to believe, there’s good news here…

You’re not alone.

In fact, what you’re going though is so unbelievably common (unfortunately) that I want you to make sure you don’t go into “panic mode”.

Or the other COUNTERPRODUCTIVE mode women in your situation commonly go into:

“Fix-it” mode – where you start to try and change anything and everything, making it impossible to keep the things that are still working going.

This only makes things worse for you AND makes a man feel less confident and comfortable in the relationship with you.

But there are several specific things that can quickly take your situation from frustrating and disconnected to CLOSE and INTIMATE again… and I’ll share these in just a minute.

But first thing’s first…

Let me be VERY DIRECT and HONEST with you -

My ebook isn’t going to help you.

That’s right, I said it.

It’s a waste of your time right now.


Here’s why…

I can hear that you’re looking for direction with what exactly it is you need to focus on among all the ideas, concepts and “strategies” in the book.

But I’ve got to be real with you here…

Just buying my eBook and browsing through it once or twice ISN’T going to help you create a real and lasting change in your relationship.

I wish I could tell you it was that simple.

But you know, it isn’t that simple right now when it comes to your relationship.

And if I did tell you it was that easy, I’d be lying.

But the truth is that NOT FINDING THE RIGHT ANSWERS right now, even if they take a little time for you to recognize and more importantly APPLY in your love life, represents a much, much more difficult potential situation in the future…

Having your relationship continue to get worse and worse, more and more distant, and less committed and loving, until the special connection you used to have seems to have completely disappeared.

But the upside is that once you do start to “get” more of the concepts and strategies in my ebook, and how they apply to your situation specifically, something MAGICAL will happen…

Great things will start to happen for you in your relationship, and with the way you act and communicate with him (and him with you), out of nowhere.

Actually, there will be several magic moments where you see things “shift” from difficult and resistant to open and understanding…

And very quickly you will start connecting and feeling close to each other again.

But right now the challenge is to help you get into LEARNING so that these magic moments start to come into your life sooner rather than later.

So let me tell you a few simple but profound TRUTHS about learning and life I’ve come across as I’ve helped and worked with literally thousands of women.

And stick with me here… I know these will help you with where you’re at right now and quickly redirect you and your relationship towards POSITIVE GROWTH.

Truth #1. MORE Information Isn’t Always BETTER

I don’t know if you recognize it right now, but you’ve got most of the answers you’re seeking in front of you right now… inside my eBook.

But like a lot of us do, you’ve most likely looked at the ideas and information, passed it through your usual “filters” in your busy mind, and you’ve kept right on doing what it is that you’ve been doing for what I bet is quite some time in your relationship now…

Looking for “that thing” that will jump into your life and magically change EVERYTHING for you right away.

All the while, YOU are still thinking the same1 way and you’re still caught up in the same emotional and behavioral “patterns” within yourself and with your fiancé.

In other words, here’s what I’m trying to let you in on…

More information on what to specifically do in your situation isn’t what you need right now at all.

You need to first get a hold of your own experience and your own head and have a shift in PERSPECTIVE.

Let me explain it to you this way…

Have you ever seen how some men think that they need to learn great “pick-up lines” in order to meet and attract women?

Ridiculous right?

But TONS of men think this way.

In fact, men seek out other men to watch and learn from, some read pick-up “manuals”, and others ask their friends what it is that they should SAY in order to make women interested in them.

I’m talking about men looking for the exact set of words and phrases that they think they can use to attract, interest or “seduce” a woman.

And then going out there trying these “lines” with women in the hopes that the women will respond by being physically attracted to them.

You can guess how it goes for these guys most of the time.

But what’s fascinating is how the men respond and interpret the “failures” they have, using the lines they’ve learned.

When the “lines” don’t work for them, lots of men immediately think to themselves…

“Oh, I must not have found the right pick-up line yet. I better keep searching until I find the right one that makes the woman I say it to feel an instant surge of attraction for me.”

I’m serious here by the way… Lots of men really do think this way about what it takes to meet a woman and get her interest.

And I think you know, as a woman, that finding better pick-up lines is NOT the answer for a man who hasn’t had success with the first few “lines” he has tried.

In fact, it’s PAINFULLY OBVIOUS to you that these men are looking in all the wrong places for answers.

But I can’t tell you how many rational and intelligent men make this stupid mistake.

So what’s going on here?

How can intelligent people draw such dumb conclusions about people and life?

Well, men who want to learn “pick-up lines” all have something in common (besides not intuitively or “naturally” understanding what can make a woman feel interested and attracted).

These men are all looking for answers in a place where they’ll never be able to find “the answer”.

You, being a woman, know that it really doesn’t matter WHAT a man says (unless it’s vulgar or ridiculous, in which case a woman will actually feel repelled by a man).

Instead, it’s WHO he is and HOW he says things that makes all the difference.

And you know this because you have the PERSPECTIVE to see how things actually work personally and emotionally for you and for other women.

But the men who are looking for the “perfect pick-up line” don’t have the benefit or value of seeing things from your perspective.

These guys are COMPLETELY CONVINCED that if they just found the right thing to say to a woman, she would see him in a different way.

And they have what they think is “proof” of this because they’ve seen men TALK to women and get the outcome they’re looking for.

But what they can’t see from their perspective is that it isn’t THE WORDS being exchanged that create interest and attraction.

A man who still thinks pick-up lines are the solution is blind to the truth that most of the significant communication and decision making between a man and a woman is happening on deeper and less direct, emotional, social and psychological level.

So even if you tried to tell one of these guys what was REALLY going on when men and women interact, and that it wasn’t pick-up lines which can make a woman interested in them, they wouldn’t be able to believe you.

The human mind is a fascinating and strange thing.

Anyway, here’s the FASCINATING thing I recognized a few years back about women…

Lots of women do the SAME THING.

They have their own version of the “perfect pick-up line”.


Except a woman’s “perfect line” is about creating the instant relationship “breakthrough”, instead of the quick sexual experience men are often seeking.

Let me explain…

Lots of women tirelessly analyze their relationship over and over – often times creating more negative emotional distance through the fear and anxiety they experience.

I mean, how many times have you asked yourself in your mind…

“What does it mean since he did [enter whatever behavior he did here]?”

And how many times have you spent hours or days thinking about talking about exactly what it is you need to say or do with a man to fix or change things?

The truth is, the answer often isn’t in YOUR HEAD, and isn’t available from the level of AWARENESS and CONSCIOUSNESS you have at the time.

In other words, the answer for you right now is NOT to find more answers for your specific situation that you haven’t found yet.

You already have a solid system to start with laid out in front of you inside my ebook.

But instead, the answer right now is YOU.

YOU need to take what you’ve got in front of you and DO THE WORK to change your awareness and perspective.

There are no “magic pick-up lines” to instantly transform a man, or deepen the level of depth and understanding in a relationship just by saying them, or having read them in a book IF you don’t understand the HOW and WHY of it all.

But there are things in my book that bring consistent POSITIVE RESULTS if you work to develop your skills and AWARENESS.

Stop looking for more “relationship pick-up lines”.

Truth #2: Change, Awareness, Consciousness and Growth Are All PROCESSES.

Here’s something I see happen all the time with women who read a bit of my stuff…

They take an idea, a concept, or a “technique” that I’ve shown or explained and then say to themselves…

“Hey, that’s cool… I think I’ll try this once or twice to see if it works.”

And then, when things don’t go their way at first, they get frustrated and give up… BEFORE they’ve even had the time to become AWARE of what it is that they’re actually doing.

Sorry, I wish I could bring you instant gratification into your life and relationships, but it just doesn’t work that way.

And deep inside your mind, you know it.

A relationship is a PROCESS, not a thing you can buy, have and hold.

That’s why the ball is in YOUR court right now.

I’ve done my part here, and now it’s your turn.

It’s time to make the COMMITMENT to learn and try NEW WAYS of thinking in your life.

Stop RIGHT NOW, open your ebook, go to the section in Chapter 3 called “How To Think About A Relationship With A Man” and read that again.

And then read it one more time.

You’re missing what’s there for you.

Then pay special attention to the 2 sections that come after that.

“The Convincer” and “The Relationship Balance”.

These sections explain, in psychological and behavioral details, some of the most common challenges that come up for women in long term relationships when men start to “doubt” or withdraw.

Don’t make the common mistake of trying to logically CONVINCE him through your words that he should think or FEEL differently.

That’s not how men or women work emotionally.

See more on this topic in Chapter 5 about “Emotional Display Rules” and also the section on what to do instead of “forcing your feelings and desires on a man”.

If you want to get him experiencing the level of CONNECTION with you that you know is possible, then you need to plug into what will trigger his desire for this EMOTIONALLY.

And the best way to do that is to do more of the things that CREATE ATTRACTION.

And I’m not just talking about Physical Attraction here, I’m talking about a deeper kind of attraction – Intellectual Attraction.

The kind of attraction that engages a man’s EMOTIONS and reminds him why it is he wants to be with you and only you.

So go to Chapter 7, page 105 and start reading some more and start to become AWARE of the things that can get you back to that close connected place.

And stop doing all the things that get in the way of the connection and attraction that is there for you but you’ve gotten away from.

A great place to read more about this and to help you start to shift your perspective is in Chapter 6, on page 94, about “Taking Emotional Ownership”.

If you read this section and work the ideas, you can quickly start to recapture and create new things that have been missing from your relationship.

And the best part is, he’ll sense the positive change and new sense of effortless connection, and then he’ll naturally start doing his part to create these things with you too.


What if I told you that the fact that your fiancé was experiencing doubts and fears could be HEALTHY and exactly what you need to experience and deal with BEFORE you spend the rest of your lives together?

Would you be willing to accept that and find a way to understand how you BOTH can learn and grow as REAL PEOPLE from that?

Or would you RESIST it?

Hint: I’m working on your PERSPECTIVE right now.

As much as it FEELS awful, I know from experience that ALL men and women HAVE to deal with their own fears, discomforts and challenges when they begin to weave their lives closer together.

Especially when they make huge changes in their lives together like engagement and living together.

Here’s the thing…

Most men and women like to think that in a relationship, it SHOULD feel comfortable and safe and “easy” most of the time.

And most men and women have the strong SUBCONSCIOUS BELIEF that the people who have good long-term committed relationships were just lucky enough to find that magic person who eliminates all the resistance, obstacles and challenges other couples experience.

But the OPPOSITE is true.

Open, honest, “real” relationships still have LOTS of challenges, doubts, “phases” and fears in them.

In fact, in a way, they have MORE CHALLENGES because both people are truly open and honest about who they are and what they’re feeling. The difference is how both people in the relationship accept, understand, and deal with these “realities”.

Do you panic, creating more emotional uncertainty, and negative disconnected feelings?

Or are you calm, confident, and assured in a way that lets a man know things aren’t going to be difficult and tiresome with you in the future?

Here’s something I want you to do right now…

I want you to start thinking of all the things that are coming up right now that you see as new problems in the relationship as “road signs” guiding your future relationship.

You’re engaged and plan to spend the rest of your lives together. And whether you see it right now or not, that’s a REALLY BIG thing for our subconscious minds, let alone our conscious minds, to grasp.

You owe it to yourself and your fiancé to get things handled and understood between you two, on a deep, real, lasting level, BEFORE you jump into “FOREVER”.

The marriage or engagement doesn’t make the relationship.

The relationship makes the marriage.

And here’s something that’s COUNTERINTUITIVE about the common problems men bring into relationships with women…

These things coming up actually give YOU the opportunity to become more AWARE and help create a better level of communication and understanding in the future.

But here’s what is more important for you in the short term -

What you’re going through can be EASILY OVERCOME with what really are small changes in how you think and communicate.

But ONLY IF you can keep from playing “connect- the-dots” game with each thing that has happened, turning it all into one big negative nightmare scenario in your mind.


Only if you KNOW what to do in each one of these critical things going on, and you can address them in a way that brings a man closer, and lets him know that dealing with these things that come up in the future, will be simple and easy for you both to deal with together, and stay connected.

Remember, the way you’ve responded and reacted in the past, and the way you are now, tells a man everything about how he thinks you’ll be in the future together.

So what are your emotions, reactions, and words telling him?

If he’s scared, non-committal and uncertain, and he has the courage to share that with you while still letting you know that he loves you and not just leaving, but then you freak out and don’t know what to do or say – what kind of story does that create about you in his mind?

A man’s emotions, fears, behaviors, etc. are all part of the road signs in your relationship… like them or not.

They SUCK, but they are REAL EXPERIENCES a man is having.

The good news is that these experiences and thoughts are driven largely by FEELINGS and EMOTIONS.

And, as you probably already know, feelings and emotions can change almost instantly.

My favorite example of this is when a child is tired or unhappy and something happens to them physically, like being lightly bumped, etc.

The child will fall down, pretending to be terribly hurt and start crying.

But if you put a new toy or a piece of candy in front of them EVERYTHING changes in an instant.

What if there was a way to KNOW what to do in each situation with a man that would change his feelings and emotions?

And therefore affect how he sees EVERYTHING about you and your relationship?

What if there was a way to keep him from worrying about these things and feeling this way in the first place?

And instead of trying to convince him or argue with him about how he should think and act in your relationship…

Make him FEEL physically and EMOTIONALLY drawn to you as a woman and as a partner.

To where his experience would tell him that you were the only woman who could makes him feel so amazing and that he has to be around you.

That’s where I come in.

The reality is that ALL men have their own set of fears about being truly close to a woman – as much as they ALSO want to love and be loved…

Even AFTER they make a commitment and start to feel and share true love with a woman.

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Best of luck in life and love and I’ll talk to you again soon.

Your Friend,

Christian Carter

Christian Carter is a leading advisor to women on dating, relationships, connection and love. An expert in psychology, communication and behavior, Christian Carter has developed foundational concepts that help women understand men, dating and relationships. Visit Christian's official website, by clicking here.

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