The Wrong Reasons To Be In A Relationship

Written by Christian Carter |  No Comment

Have you ever “lost yourself” inside a relationship?

Have you ever had to figure out how to start taking care of yourself, your life, and your dreams FIRST… after realizing that it’s not a man’s business to do this for you?

And how many times have you gotten into a relationship with a man, broken up, and then realized after the fact that you totally got off your own “life path” while you were with him?

If you’re like lots of women, this kind of thing is an ongoing pattern in your life…

You meet an amazing man and you INSTANTLYfall for him and start spending most of your time and energy with him.

And before you know it… a huge part of your life revolves around this man and your relationship with him.

For a while, things are PERFECT.

He’s loving, affectionate, and you share things with each other you’ve never shared with anyone else ever before.

But after a while you start to see things shift…

You start to see that you’re not doing a lot of the things you used to do that were what kept you happy when you were single.

Your friends and other relationships start to drop away as you see everyone but your boyfriend less and less.

And most of your energy and mental focus is spent doing things inside your relationship, and for the man you’re with.

You start to turn to and depend on your relationship and the man you’re with more and more for fulfillment and satisfaction and happiness… which is why when things STOP being so perfect with this guy it completely FREAKS YOU OUT.

You’ve been putting EVERYTHING into this relationship, and doing everything you feel like you can for the man in your life… but then he starts acting differently with you.

He doesn’t seem to be as happy just to see you and be with you… the way he used to be.

He doesn’t seem as fun, as relaxed, and as “present” with you the way he used to be.

And he doesn’t seem to talk about or make plans for THE FUTURE with you the way he did when you were still getting to know one another.

And then it happens…

He comes to you one night out of the blue and tells you, “Honey, we need to talk. I’m not happy anymore and I want to break up.”

He also says some of the following:

“It’s really not you. You’re great. It’s me.”

“I just don’t want a serious relationship right now, but I really care about you.”

“I just feel like I need my freedom right now, and I hope you understand.”

Of course you’re devastated and completely taken off guard. And you start asking yourself questions like…

“Why didn’t I see this coming?”

Or…

“What was his problem? There was nothing wrong with our relationship. So why did he have to turn away from the amazing connection we shared?”

Or…

“How in the world did I get into ANOTHER one of these situations again where the man and the relationship I thought was there for me turned out to be anything but something I could DEPEND ON?”

And finally…

“What part of this is MY FAULT? What did I do that caused him to want to leave and not be with me anymore?”

If you’re like lots of women who I’ve met and helped over the years… then these and other questions have raced through your head for days and weeks after the man in your life left you.

Here’s the point to all this…

Just so you know, in the whole break-up process, asking these kinds of questions to yourself is a completely normal part of what most women go through.

But what often happens next is important for you to think about and learn from if you want to create for yourself better SITUATIONS and RELATIONSHIPS with men in the future…

Once you get some “space” from this man and the relationship… most women start to have a GRADUAL RECOGNITION about how the subtle SIGNS OF DANGER were there from early on with the man they were with…

And how, even though you went into this new situation trying to be smart and careful about being in the right relationship and not getting hurt again like you had before… you ended up repeating the VERY SAME MISTAKES that you had sworn you’d never make again.

And now, only in retrospect, is it so painfully obvious that things were going to end badly with this man.

How could you have ignored the signs that were there?

And how come you didn’t do anything about it when your intuition told you to?

It’s enough to drive you crazy trying to figure out what to listen to inside your head, and what not to.

*Quick Tip: One of the best ways to avoid the UNCERTAINTIES and all the UNKNOWNS in a relationship with a man is to be the kind of woman who a man is able to easily open up to and communicate his true thoughts and feelings with.

Part of the secret of being able to get a man to communicate with you in this way is to understand what it is that INSPIRES a man to get in touch with his feelings and want to share with you in the first place.

Because if you don’t help a man get in touch with his feelings, and be in the mental and emotional state where he’ll want to open up and share with you… then all you’re going to get is RESISTANCE.

Ok, now… as if all that I was talking about above with “losing yourself” with a man and the fallout that comes from it wasn’t painful and frustrating enough… here’s the final straw:

When this happens… you also finally recognize after you break up that you had stopped TAKING CARE OF YOURSELF in your relationship… and that few, if any, of YOUR NEEDS had really been addressed and taken care of inside your relationship.

You had stopped doing most or all of the things that you knew were what truly made you HAPPY and FULFILLED as a woman. So, no wonder you weren’t your “personal best” and your relationship didn’t last.

Instead of making sure you were being the best you could be… you had been spending most of your precious time and energy on your relationship, and on keeping it and the man you were with happy.

But which was the priority?

And which one is more important than the other?

And why is this kind of thing so common and ends up happening to so many women over and over in their lives – but they never learn the lesson and figure out what to do about it.

Well, let me start by sharing with you the most important reasons that this happens to so many women.

It’s because:

A) Most women don’t enter into relationships with an already happy and fulfilling life and allow a man and a relationship to simply add to their already great and ongoing full life

B) Most women get into relationships with men not only in the WRONG WAY that sets things up to be difficult and short-lived from the start, but also for the WRONG REASONS

Now… I want to give you what could be the most powerful and life-changing piece of insight you come across for YEARS.

Seriously.

If you’re repeating a lot of the same relationship patterns over and over with men, and you find that you’re EMOTIONALLY drawn into these similar situations with different men again and again and want to BREAK THE HABIT…

Then you need to start by first creating that emotionally healthy and fulfilling life for yourself first… and THEN you will find that you will EFFORTLESSLY draw and attract the RIGHT MAN to you from the INSIDE OUT.

I want to talk to you about the second reason from above about why so many end up in the situation where they “lose themselves” inside their relationship.

And that’s because they end up falling into a relationship for the WRONG REASONS in the first place.

If you are looking for the wrong things from a man, attracted to the wrong men, or you’re wanting to receive the wrong kind of
attention and validation from a man… then it doesn’t take a rocket-scientist to figure out that you’re very likely to get into the WRONG RELATIONSHIP for the WRONG REASONS.

So…

I’m going to share a few of the absolute WRONG REASONS why you might be in a relationship… and why these reasons guarantee that what you share with a man won’t be healthy or fulfilling for you. (And won’t last)

Here are some of the most critical wrong reasons to be in a relationship…

Wrong Reason #1: To Avoid Feeling Lonely

Another weekend rolls around, it’s a great time to be out in the world enjoying life with someone special… but you have no one special to share it with.

The holidays and other special times of the year keep coming up… and there you are at dinner tables and parties around all kinds of happy loving families and couples.

But you’re there ALONE.

You get into your bed at night by yourself and you think… how in the world do I still not have a real partner I can share my life with?

And you think back to the last man you were with, or loved… and part of you wants to call him up.

It wouldn’t be so bad. He was a good guy afterall… even though you couldn’t make it work the last time around.

Maybe this time will be different.

Why not give it another try?

I can’t tell you how many women I see making huge mistakes with men because there’s a part of them on a deep emotional level that would rather AVOID the feeling of being ALONE at all costs rather than free themselves of a relationship or situation that they knew was unhealthy or harmful to them.

Of course, very few women CONSCIOUSLY say to themselves,

“Gee, if I leave this bad relationship where I’m not getting much of anything anyhow… I’ll have to feel that scary awful feeling of being alone. But that’s better than this hurtful relationship”

No.

On an UNCONSCIOUS level, lots of women are actually MORE EMOTIONALLY SATISFIED in a BAD RELATIONSHIP that ends up hurting them AND the man they’re with… than they are being ALONE.

In other words, all the pain and struggle and hurt that can come with being in the wrong relationship with the wrong man is much more comfortable and “familiar” to lots of women than the idea of being ALONE.

And this is why you can often end up in very complicated and hurtful relationships that just seem to keep beating you up and taking from you… and you never can tell when it’s time to call it quits and move on.

When you feel lonely inside, or you have a fear of being alone now or in the future… sooner or later it will cause you to make BAD CHOICES and end up getting involved and staying in BAD RELATIONSHIPS.

Wrong Reason #2: Pressure

How many of your friends are in serious long term relationships and have love and a great man in their life?

And how many are married, engaged, or soon to be engaged and about to be married?

You might not consciously recognize it…but if a whole bunch of your friends are starting to “get hitched” and are falling deeper into lasting committed relationships, then odds are it’s having a strong impact on the way you’re thinking and feeling.

After you go out to dinner with a few of your female friends, and they are all with the great guy they’re in an amazing relationship with… coming home alone doesn’t feel too good.

And let’s not even mention weddings, baby showers, and the like.

Or if you’re getting close to, at, or past the age where you can start a family.

It’s enough to make you wonder if there’s something wrong with you.

Unfortunately, a lot of women let the love and luck that OTHER WOMEN are experiencing in relationships make them feel an intense level of PRESSURE to find the right man and the right
lasting relationship NOW.

Of course, this only adds to the problem of ATTRACTING a man… as it leads you to not feeling very relaxed, comfortable, or confident in yourself since you’re so wrapped up in your head.

And it makes the challenge of creating a long term relationship that will LAST more difficult for you since the PRESSURE you feel inside to have the right relationship NOW makes you behave in DESPERATE and NEEDY ways that makes a man feel like you’re more interested in the IDEA of a good relationship than you are in HIM and how he actually FEELS when he’s with you.

If you let the fact that other women are in great relationships make you feel sorry for yourself and hopeless… then you’re only making things worse for yourself…

And a man is going to sense these feelings, emotions, and worries inside you VERY QUICKLY from the moment he meets you and gets close to you… and ironically it will be your intense desire and the pressure you feel to have a great relationship that will be the thing that PUSHES HIM AWAY.

Wrong Reason #3: Filling The Void

If you have a sense of emptiness inside you that wants to be filled by love and by a man… then the HARSH REALITY is that no one, no man, and no relationship is EVER going to be able to fill that emptiness or void inside you.

Ever.

And no matter how great you think a man is, or how amazing you think you are together as a couple… if you have those “empty spots” inside you, then they are going to show up in
your relationship and do all kinds of damage to you and the man you’re with.

No matter what he does or says, ultimately it won’t be good enough… or feel good enough for you.

If he starts saying he loves you twice a day… you’ll start to wonder and worry when he only says it once.

When you do something for a man to make him happy, or to surprise him just because…and then he doesn’t respond exactly the way you had hoped or expected, then you’re going to lose your composure and he’ll see that there’s something about you he doesn’t want to be around.

The point is, if there’s that feeling of emptiness that you carry with you when you’re not with a man… then the truth is that when you go to get into a relationship, you’re often going to get involved not because a man or a relationship is right for you…but because you ant to FILL this VOID inside you.

Of course, if you find a good guy and you et a relationship started off right… then often times it’s easy to experience several weeks or months of fun and joy.

But this doesn’t mean that what’s happening beneath the surface inside you has changed.

Any kind of intimacy and “closeness” is going to make you feel better for a little while when you have this “void” inside you…

But once the easy emotional connection and satisfaction you get from a new kind of love and a new situation wears off…you’ll of course find that you’re not “filled up” after all.

Which is why this “void” is the very thing that makes you so terribly VULNERABLE to the WRONG RELATIONSHIPS in the first place.

Some signs that you have a kind of emotional “void” and that you aren’t in touch with the things that fulfill you are:

-Not being able to, or choosing to spend any time alone

-Needing to have a phone, a TV, a radio, or something present in your life at all times or else you feel nervous or bored

-Being out of touch with your own personal thoughts, feelings, beliefs, or purpose

-Needing to have a high level of CERTAINTY and PREDICTABILITY in all things in your life

-”Feeding” your void with things other than just men and relationships such as food, clothing, shopping, etc.

What To Do About All This…

Now, if a few of the things I’ve said here have struck a chord inside you… then that’s a sign that there’s some truth for you in one or more of the things I was talking about.

With that being the case, here’s what I’d like to do…

I’d like to give you a few quick tips here and guide you to some other resources where you could find IN-DEPTH information, answers, and solutions to some of the things that may be going on in your dating and relationship PATTERNS with men.

Tip #1: Don’t Wait For A Man To Figure It All Out

Here’s something fascinating…

I got a bunch of emails last week in response to an email I wrote that was about how some women screw up in common dating situations with men.

Several of these emails were from women who were thanking me for all the insights and advice they got from reading my email.

They said that as they read my email, something kind of “snapped on” inside their minds… and suddenly what they needed to do and change in their own love life became crystal clear.

Problem solved, worries gone, uncertainty dealt with… and life was much better now knowing what they didn’t know before.

But a few of the emails I got from a few other women were very different…

A few of these “other women” had a much different attitude.

They were actually writing because they were PISSED OFF at ME for writing an email that told them how to take action for themselves…and were angry that I hadn’t suggested that it was men who were the ones that needed to do the changing.

If you don’t get where I’m going with this and what’s going on here… here’s the deal-

I’m writing to you right now – a woman.

I’m not writing to a man.

If I was writing to a man, or I could write an email to your boyfriend, lover, husband, whatever… then I would be giving him HELL about getting his act together and being an amazing partner who fulfilled and satisfied you.

But guess what?

He’s not here!!!

You are.

That’s why it’s time to stop waiting for a man to figure out what’s going on and be the one to learn what it takes to make you, your life, and your relationship filled with LOVE, JOY, and FULFILLMENT.

Of course, if you want to keep waiting around for a man to finally “get it” and make things work for you… then be my guest.

Just don’t get mad at me when you start getting frustrated and see that he’s not going to be the one to figure things out for you.

Tip #2: Help Yourself

One of the best ways to start improving your life and any situation your in – whether it’s a relationship with a man or any other potentially great and important situation -is to find amazing resources and information that will help you quickly GROW and LEARN.

I can’t tell you how many women have said to me over the years that they wish they would have come across my book, my information, and some of my other products 5, 10, or even 20 years ago.

It would have saved them nearly a lifetime of pain, frustration, and heartache.

The great news is that you don’t have to figure everything out for yourself… and there are ways to DRAMATICALLY increase your own knowledge and understanding with men, dating, and relationships… so that when those critical situations come along and love is in the balance,you can know and feel confident in yourself and in the right thing to do.

I’ll talk to you again soon, and best of luck in Life and Love.

Your Friend,

Christian Carter

Categories : Common Dating Problems

Christian Carter is a leading advisor to women on dating, relationships, connection and love. An expert in psychology, communication and behavior, Christian Carter has developed foundational concepts that help women understand men, dating and relationships. Visit Christian's official website, by clicking here.

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