“Stuck” On The Wrong Guy? Try This…

Written by Christian Carter |  7 Comments

Ever been in a relationship where you KNEW inside that it wasn’t working… but you loved the guy and tried everything to make it work anyways?

And despite all your efforts, neither you NOR he became the least bit happier or more fulfilled, despite everything you tried.

So you finally took matters into your own hands and broke things off… (while secretly hoping that he’d change once he saw that you were serious about leaving him)

But this only ended up making you feel WORSE and less certain about whether you were doing the right thing.

If you’ve been through this situation, or something similar as a woman, you’re not alone.

Below is one of the most common email questions I receive and my response about what to do if you’re in this place in your love life.

Keep reading to find out what to do if your relationship hasn’t been “working”… and why trying to “fix” things only leads you to more of the same unfulfilling experiences that are pushing you and the man in your life apart.

I’m about to show you a better way…

I wondered if you could help. I was going out with a guy for 10 years. At the start we were madly in love, there was passion, security, everything, although intellectually we were incompatible. I needed friends and other contacts which he resented. He became increasingly jealous and controlling. We lived together but in February of this year I moved out. I couldn’t stop seeing him entirely. I was still attached to him. However this August he came round to my house and after a particularly ugly display of emotion he kicked my door. I said I no longer wanted any contact and kept that up for nearly 3 months. He was broken hearted and begged me back many many times. I was as cold as ice and still resentful as to his behavior previously. Over time I softened and thought it might be time to meet up. At the last minute I cancelled and he went out on a pub crawl. Overnight his attitude changed!!!! He met someone else who he has been seeing for the last 3 weekends (even though he hates to admit it). I knew straight away. Now it is me who is heartbroken. I feel that life has come back and kicked me in the teeth and I want him back. I miss him. However after trying to see him and getting replies like he needs ‘space’ I have decided to cut all contact again. What can I do? Will he come back? Or has he just met a newer model and in fact his feelings for me were superficial?

– from a reader

I’ve got to be honest with you.

I cringed as I read several things here… and the only thing running through my head was, “WHAT IS SHE THINKING!?!?”

Do me a favor-

Take a deep breath… center yourself for a minute… make sure you’re sitting up straight and paying attention… and go ahead and give yourself a good hard SLAP!

OK. Now that you know how much this hurts and how dumb this is to do to yourself… I want you to go ahead and do it again.

Seriously.

Give yourself one more good hard SLAP across the face.

Now, in case you don’t get it yet, this is exactly what you’re doing to yourself in your love life right now.

By slapping yourself, you’ve just PHYSICALLY experienced what it is that you’re doing to yourself EMOTIONALLY in your love life.

Get it!?

Good.

Hopefully now you’ll start to wake up to what you’re doing to yourself here.

But let’s get on to WHAT TO DO.

There’s a very complex and sophisticated “technique” I’m going to show you that you need to use in your situation…

Pay close attention here, because this one is tricky. Too tricky for lots of women.

Ready?

Here’s the complex technique I want you to use in your situation-

MOVE ON!

For anyone else who was seeing things clearly and thinking about what would actually work in their love life… moving on would be pretty simple and straightforward.

But not for you.

And yeah, I get that breakups and moving on isn’t as easy as 1, 2, 3. It can take time for you to move past your old feelings.

But clinging to your old feelings and your false ideals of how things were in the past, and trying to get back there is only leading to your own SUFFERING, and taking you back to a place that you honestly don’t want to be.

Here’s the thing…

It’s painfully obvious, and any old “pop psychologist” could tell you, that as soon as this guy stopped pursuing you, you wanted him back.

But that’s actually NOT the REAL TRUTH here.

The real truth is that as soon as a man isn’t pursuing you, you of course want the ATTENTION back.

But more importantly, you want the strange comfort that comes from having ANY MAN around that you believe has the POTENTIAL to be a good man and “make you happy” (instead of insisting on a man who is actually a good man).

I’m getting pretty deep here, so I’ll get to the point.

If you were honest with yourself, you’d realize that you’re NOT concerned with wanting this particular guy back.

No. Instead, you want him back at your doorstep in the hopes of AVOIDING something else you know in the back of your mind would be far worse for you than being back in your old relationship that didn’t work in the first place.

Something that makes you feel 50 times more fearful and uncomfortable than not getting this particular man back into your life.

And that certain something is BEING ALONE.

Think about it for a minute…

I want you to step back from everything going on around you and in your love life right now.

And I want you to get in touch with what’s going on for YOU, instead of what’s going on with the man in your life.

Now answer a simple question for me-

Answering honestly, how many of the things that you do, or the things that you’ve chosen for yourself when it comes to men and relationships, stems from your own personal fear of being alone?

Take a minute to think this through.

This could be a huge moment for you right now… so open your mind up and take a good hard look.

I’ll give you a few minutes to think about this.

Ok, good.

Now, did you see anything new that you didn’t recognize about yourself before?

Take out a pen and a piece of paper right now and write down what you just learned or identified about yourself.

To compare notes now, let me share some common things women do to avoid their fear of being single or alone…

-Dating “Unavailable Men”: This one is common but counterintuitive to understand. Lots of women who are afraid of being alone end up picking the same kind of men over and over who just don’t “get it” and don’t show up emotionally in relationships. Of course, if you do this, at the root of the problem is YOU. You don’t believe in your ability to meet a REAL MAN, or to have a REAL relationship… so you take what comes along (anything) and try to make the situation, and the man,into something more than it is.

-Accepting “Unacceptable” Behavior From Men: If you’re a woman who’s afraid of being alone more than you are of being in a BAD, NEGATIVE, HURTFUL RELATIONSHIP… then guess what you’re likely to end up with? That’s right… a bad relationship.

-Acting “Needy”: When you are afraid of being alone, or living independently, men can quickly sense this inside you… even if you don’t ever say it. You send off a kind of “vibe” or “energy” when you get close to a man. Usually this looks, in part, like clingy or needy behavior. And guess what? This is 100% Grade A Man-Repellent if you are looking to ATTRACT a man and build the foundation for a lasting relationship.

Those are just a few off the top of my head.

Recognize anything here?

If so, and you’d like a shortcut to learning how to get rid of the negative thinking and behavior that isn’t working and TURNS MEN OFF…

Then it’s time you learned exactly how any woman can magnetically draw a man in on a DEEP EMOTIONAL LEVEL for a more connected and lasting kind of situation.

I’ll talk to you again soon, and best of luck in life and love.

Your Friend,

Christian Carter

Categories : Common Dating Problems

Christian Carter is a leading advisor to women on dating, relationships, connection and love. An expert in psychology, communication and behavior, Christian Carter has developed foundational concepts that help women understand men, dating and relationships. Visit Christian's official website, by clicking here.

7 Comments

  1. Sara says:

    I loved reading this and it has made me realize that I am in a relationship only because I am afraid of being alone…I am in a negative relationship and am sticking around only because I don’t want to be alone..what do I do?

    Like or Dislike This Comment? Thumb up 0 Thumb down 0

  2. paula says:

    great advice: it’s a wake up call to remember everytime you feel a bit low, or lonely –
    my story: i’ve been stuck on this guy for almost a year now (we dated only 4 months) – mourning our past relationship (that i ended) while he moved on, i even thought for a while he was to be the man of my life. never -made myself- feel that way before. but thinking back it was a personal massacre. we didn’t fit romantically.
    toughest thing for me is we continued friends… since we have the same close friends.. there’s a first time for everything.

    the trick is to remain strong and look towards the future, not the past. things happened as they did for a reason. i ended it for a reason too.

    back straight, thing positive and take a moment –

    thanks for posting this Christian. some things you know in your heart, sometimes must come from outside to really sink in.

    Paula.

    Like or Dislike This Comment? Thumb up 0 Thumb down 0

  3. Susan says:

    I have been friends with this guy for a year. He contacted me through one of the singles websites. He is a musician and it turned out that the guy he plays rhythm guitar for is a friend of my father’s side of the family. Small world I guess. Anyway, he is very shy and I am pretty shy myself until I get to know someone. He acted really shy the first time we talked on the phone, then he took me out to lunch and he turned out to be so incredibly hot! But I had these negative feelings about myself because I am overweight and I thought he didn’t like me because of that. He did say he wanted to just be friends and he kept calling. He came over and wanted to hang out, listen to music, but he never would make a move. And I really didn’t want to make a move because he had said “just friends.” Finally he started dropping little hints and I thought well, I will just give him a hug. This was four months after we had first met. All it took was the hug, he took it from there. And it was incredible, I saw fireworks and I think I really fell for him from the first kiss. I also need to add that he had told me he was seeing other people before the “kiss” happened, so I knew, but stupid me, I went ahead and fell for him anyway. So we had some incredibly romantic times together, just a few. But he would always pull away afterwards, in a strange way. We are Myspace friends and after one of our encounters he would go home and put a pic up of himself and another woman on his Myspace page, which doesn’t make any sense to me at all. He finally hooked up with Karen about three months ago, but still wants to stay friends, but platonic friends this time. I have been trying to deal with it, but it’s hard when I feel the way I do about him. I know I need to move on, but I feel such a strong connection to him like I have never felt with anyone else, I just can’t believe he doesn’t feel it too. When we were together and anyone else was around, it was like no one else was in the room, his attention was completely on me and mine on his. Sometimes we would even read each other’s minds and say whatever the other one was going to say or say it at the same time.

    He still calls, comes over now and again just for a few minutes not too long. It is hard for me to tell him to go away, but this is hurting me so much. I know this lies within myself, I just wish I could find a way to stop this!

    Like or Dislike This Comment? Thumb up 0 Thumb down 0

  4. Sandra says:

    I just recently in a relationship like that he paid attention to me i thought that he liked me but I was wrong!!! i wanted to have someone really bad and he is a bad boy like I like but, he lives with his sons mother and would bring up things to make it seem like I wasn`t doing anything with my life totally disrespecting me. I got tired and I don`t call anymore or answer none of his calls .I realized that I didn`t need anyone like that in my life I deserve BETTER ! you deserve better girl Even if you are overweight you are still beautiful and human who deserves someone that is worthy of you I do keep the faith

    Like or Dislike This Comment? Thumb up 0 Thumb down 0

  5. Mo says:

    That is a tough one. Sounds to me he values your friendship but wants to be pysical with other girls because he can. (Muscians seem to feel it is a right of passage for them) I am not an expert but if I were you I would try to put him on the back burner. Do not be so available for him either. Not sure of your age, so he just may not be ready to pick the one yet. You need to replace him with something else to keep your mind on something else. Not someone else yet until you are ready, because I don’t think another person should be brought in until you are open to it, otherwise! Do something for yourself, to make you feel better, new earings, highlights in your hair, and move in a positive direction for yourself, like finding a way to make new friends join a new activity so you can meet more people.
    I am in my fourties and getting back out there from a failed marriage so I was just recently stuck on a guy who for unknown reasons called it quits after 6 months, and I want him back but have to say forget it, move on, so these are some ways I am dealing, positively.

    Good luck,

    Like or Dislike This Comment? Thumb up 0 Thumb down 0

  6. lily says:

    Really a good article to ease my pain and realize myself.
    How can it be so true?

    Thank you for writing such articles for people like us.

    It really helps me a lot..

    Like or Dislike This Comment? Thumb up 0 Thumb down 0

  7. Stephanie Nicole says:

    I don’t know where to begin and I doubt a book on here will get read (LOL) and I will try to make this LONNNGG story SHORT, but i want to try to have my questions answered…..At 16, this “boy” seemed to “stop” me while in my car to say hey & ask how i was doing [ugly as shit' no style, class; nothing]…well at this point i guess the “attention” caught me after a few weeks, so i took him to his house; i had sex with him. i know, ew, hoe, w/e’ but i “got addicted” ((((to the attention))). for the next few great months it was awesome. i was young, both horny, and his cousin just got engaged (all o us in one aprtment) everything was sparatic, fun, new…blah! cut to the chase….it’s beeen 5 years now, same “boy”. for me, as i’m guessin other females” –>> i got attached. he started going to jal, id be the only person to visit & bond him out (multiples of time); yet i never had a interference with another female so i thouht it was ok. push come to shove, hes been lying and cheating (at least trying through facebook and WHO KNOWS where else) even afterI keep saying i’M GONE. i moved 3 hours away, blokd his number, but still call; still check HIs FACEBOOK (and find him trying to get with everybody undeR the MOON and SUN.) i just dont want to feel like I failed after all I have put it in; yes, even after i said goodbye at least 5 times, moved out of town..blah blah! but i always seem to be the one upset. i dont want to feel like im missing out, especially in my night-times. (& no, he has never done shit for me……he asks other females to go to dinner before he will ever ask me.) what do i do? yes, lose contact= change #s, no facebook, no friends calling with he say she say….i know this, but i KNOW his NUMBER, HIS PASSWORD, HIS EMAILS. how do i stop thinking about what i KNOW its good for me :( i feel so dumb for even asking!!!

    Like or Dislike This Comment? Thumb up 0 Thumb down 0

Leave a Comment

You must be logged in to post a comment.