Physical With A Man Too Soon? Here’s What To Do…

Written by Christian Carter |  7 Comments

Have you ever become frustrated wondering when to become “physical” and intimate with a new man in your life?

You don’t want to move too fast, and you don’t want to move too slow… but no matter what you decide, it often feels like you made the wrong choice and things are going to get off track.

If you’re like TONS of women I’ve met and talked to, you’ve thought or worried about this.

Get ready to learn when and why you should become physical with a man and consider sex.

If you’re interested in a future relationship, and not just a fling with a man… then how you approach and talk about and become physical with him can mean the difference between him feeling and acting emotionally “engaged” with you to where he is asking YOU to commit… or if he’s going to be distant and uncertain about everything.

If you keep reading, you’re going to learn…

The mistakes that most women make when it comes to sex and getting physical with men that leaves them feeling unappreciated and afraid.

WHY this happens.

WHAT it means.

And HOW to go about changing the situation, even if you’ve already slept with a man and you’re worried because you’re not in a committed relationship… so that when a man says he’s going to call, he means it and won’t be able to wait to see you again.

Here we go…

I first want to start off by thanking you. I read your book front to cover in three days and it may just be the most powerful and inspirational tool I have ever encountered! You truly opened up my eyes to a completely new way of dealing with men and helped me see what it was that I was doing wrong.

I also read, “He’s Just Not That Into You” before I read “Catch Him and Keep Him.” I must say, although it was a good book, I strongly believe that yours was much more informative on an objective level. You explain it in a way that doesn’t criticize or put women down. Instead you literally show us how we can make some changes in the way we perceive situations with men. Your book was a much more constructive learning tool for me. Thank you!

So to my question…

In your book, you talk about how it is much better to make a man that you really care about, wait for sex. In the long run, men enjoy the chase and even though most people LOVE sex, its best not to rush into an intimate relationship too soon… and plus, it keeps them guessing and more in tune to YOU and not the physical relationship.

Ok, with that said and understood, I unfortunately slept with the “object of my affection” before I read that part of the book. It was entirely too soon… basically the result of a very intoxicated evening. We both agreed to take things slow with this relationship and then I totally contradicted myself and slept with him. He has recently backed off a little bit. I can still tell he’s interested, but i think that “premature sex” has him thinking a little bit about where this is really going and why, after I said we should take things slow, we did inevitably end up having sex.

So ultimately I need your opinion. Once you have had sex too soon, is this a “point of no return” for the relationship? Is it doomed to not happen? I have thought about it a lot and even though the sex was great and I would do it again if the opportunity presented itself, I think it’s best for me to tell him that we had sex too soon and that I want to back off and slow down a bit. Not that it wont ever happen again, but right now its just too soon. Do you think I will get a positive reaction by doing that? Even though it isn’t really what I want (b/c I like sex), I know its what’s best right now. Will he respect me more if I tell him that? I want to apologize to him as well… for confusing things and contradicting the foundation that we BOTH originally laid. I was the one that initiated the sex, not him.

What do you think? Or is this relationship just totally doomed at this point?

Looking forward to your response,

C.

Ok, let me get this straight.

You want to apologize for having sex with him!?

Lol! Sorry, but I have to have call you out since I think a shift in your mindset could do you some good personally and in your situation.

You should be telling him how LUCKY he is, not apologizing to him.

I guess he must be some kind of all powerful and deserving God, right?

For crying out loud! He’s just a man.

Don’t worry so much. Worrying is probably starting to become your actual problem.

Now that we’ve given you some tough love, let’s get down to brass tacks.

I’m glad you asked this question and layed it all out there because I get similar questions from women all the time when they’ve been “physical” with a man early on and now they’re scared that they might have ruined things and any hope for a real relationship to start.

Let me break it down for you when it comes to men and relationships in regards to sex.

Before I get into exactly what’s going on in a man’s mind, I have to say that what you choose to do with your body and sexuality is a beautiful and private thing, so I’d never pretend to know what you should or shouldn’t do as a woman.

Every woman has her own personal boundaries and beliefs when it comes to love and sex.

But what I am going to talk about is how sex and being physical with a woman plays out in most men’s minds, how this relates to love and relationships, and what you can do about it.

THE BIG MISTAKE WOMEN MAKE WHEN IT COMES TO DATING, SEX, AND BECOMING COMMITTED WITH A MAN

Here’s the first and probably the biggest mistake that most women make when it comes to sex – thinking that the chemistry, connection, physical intimacy, and SEX that they have with a man are what is going to make him want to commit.

Let me explain…

You’ve asked a question that basically states that you are worried that since you had sex with a man that he’s not going to want to commit to you anymore.

That’s not how it works.

There is no “point of no return” when you have sex with a man where it becomes too late to turn things into a great committed relationship.

It’s HOW YOU GO ABOUT becoming committed that’s going to make all the difference here.

The most common mistake I see women make with sex happens because they’re not sure what “stage” their relationship is in, or where the guy they are with is in his heart and mind, so they use physical intimacy or sex to try and push things along.

Yes this makes a man more “interested” in you in the moment.

And NO, it doesn’t make him want a relationship.

Of course lots of women expect physical intimacy or sex to bring their relationship together anyways – even though they know inside that sex isn’t what really bonds a man to a woman.

And when their efforts to use sex don’t work the magic that they would hope, they become embarassed, ashamed, or frustrated that they shared themselves and didn’t get back what they thought they should.

And it’s here that they say things to a man such as,

“I never do this so quickly with men.”

Or…

“This was a mistake.”

Or…

“I swear I’m not like this.”

All the while the guilt, the worry, and the fear you’re feeling is visible just looking at you.

If you think about how a man sees this, it doesn’t make it better and convince him to think or feel what you might want him to feel.

Instead it shows a high level of stress and self-consciousness that’s often mistaken as “neediness” by men.

And it’s here that most women start to panic even more and start doing all kinds of things to compensate, hide their fear, and hold on even tighter to a man for fear of losing him.

Of course, all this is completely COUNTERPRODUCTIVE and actually makes a man start to feel and do the things that most women fear-

WITHDRAWAL.

And don’t forget the various forms of RESISTANCE to becoming closer and thinking or talking about your feelings and a relationship that come up as well.

Next thing you know, the door seems to have shut as quickly as it opened with a man, all because you decided to share yourself with him.

But now you don’t even know how to get back to where you started.

There’s a reason why a man commits to one good woman and not another. And it often has to do with whether or not a woman understands how and when commitment works for him, and what it REALLY is that makes him want to commit.

(Hint – it’s NOT the same things that let you know that you’d like to commit to a man, and it doesn’t happen in the same order and “tempo” as it does for most women)

Ok, back to our conversation…

I know that you read the section in my eBook that talks about when to think about sex with a man and how having or not having sex can change how he sees you and your relationship.

Again, this is in the section called “Thinking In Time Frames” on page 137, which comes right after the great section on “Speaking His Language” which is all about the secret “guy code” language that men speak.

Remember that if you can learn to see and understand this “guy talk”, you’ll start to have an easier time with men and find all the answers you’ll need to know about where he’s at and how he’s feeling about you and your relationship.

And “Thinking In Time Frames” is both about getting in sync with how and when a man likes to move toward a committed relationship with you… and making everything move ahead and grow smoothly and easily both for you AND for him.

Of course, it’s no coincidence that I followed up this section on when to have sex and time frames with a man with some critical insights on setting what I call “Relationship Standards” with a man.

You know the old saying about how you teach people how to treat you?

When you’re a woman moving towards a new relationship with a man, this couldn’t be more important.

Sex is one of the ways that you help set certain “standards” with a man in your relationship.

Of course, I don’t mean that you should use sex as a bartering tool or as a “weapon” to get what you want.

That’s a whole different thing.

What I mean is that letting a man know that you respect yourself, and what could be a great relationship between you two, enough to wait and see if it comes together before you dive in to the relationship will help you AND him.

Here’s how.

It’s great that you are in touch with your sexuality and that you can enjoy yourself.

But I can tell from what you’re saying and feeling that even if you try to deny it, by having sex you’re going to run headlong into “relationship mode”.

Being in relationship mode isn’t the problem for you.

The problem comes when you realize that you are NOT in a relationship.

But physically, emotionally, and mentally you’ve already “gone there”.

I think you know where I’m going with this.

You know that when you’re in this situation, you’re not going to be your “best self”.

In fact, you’re probably going to be anxious,uncertain, worried, etc. and bring a lot of negative things to the great connection you both are having right now, and you’re VERY VERY likely to change the entire way that you guys are interacting and sabotage things for yourself.

This isn’t going to serve you OR him.

Following me here?

Good.

It’s not that having sex before a relationship means that you’ve ruined hopes for more…

It’s that sex doesn’t mean you’re going to grow into more with a man, even though you’re going to be committing a part of yourself to something that isn’t “there” yet… and you’re going to feel in ways that are going to make you actually STOP DOING the things that ARE WORKING to bring your relationship closer.

Now, I want to point out something else that’s very important…

You’re mistaking one thing for another in thinking that you’ve made a mistake by sleeping with a man who finds you very attractive.

Yes, by NOT having sex with a man, you make him more likely to look at you on a personal and emotional level, and connect with you this way.

Which can have a more lasting “bonding” effect when it comes to creating a lasting relationship.

But that DOESN’T mean that by having sex you “take away” the thing that’s going to make a man want to commit to you.

Men don’t truly commit to real relationships because they want sex and are willing to commit to get it.

Actually, I’d argue that lots of men stay away from commitments with women if they are looking for more sex in their lives.

Strange and interesting to look at it this way, huh?

I know. I know. We men are strange animals sometimes.

Anyways… the reason men commit is because they want sex, but more importantly, because they FEEL so amazing around one woman and find a deeper level of connection, respect, and affection for a woman that goes BEYOND just PHYSICAL ATTRACTION.

In other words, if you have sex with a man before you are committed, it doesn’t mean that you’ve lost your one “bargaining chip”.

Although I think it feels this ways for lots of women after they are physical with a man and then they start to see that he isn’t committed to them.

Here’s what you need to understand.

Making a man wait for sex can GREATLY INCREASE the odds of him staying around to figure out if he wants to have a real relationship with you…and get to know you on a deeper level. (And thus share more of himself in the process an become more emotionally “invested” on his own)

But making a man wait for sex isn’t going to make him want to commit on it’s own.

There are LOTS of couples out there who start off with a first night of intense passion… and their relationships start off with a bang and are the better for it.

If you sleep with a man and you are not committed, you haven’t made a “mistake”.

Instead you’ve got to understand that for most men, having sex with a woman doesn’t mean that he’s “ready” or passively/indirectly committing.

TONS of women make the mistake of thinking that if a man sleeps with them, that he’s subtly “agreeing” to a monogamous and committed relationship by default.

When you do this as a woman with a man, and then the signs start to show up after sex that indicate he’s NOT COMMITTED, it’s THEN that it seems like you’ve done something wrong.

And it’s THEN that you start to feel more and more vulnerable, as you’ve given or shared yourself with a man, and he hasn’t seemed to recognize or appreciate that gift in the way you would have hoped he would.

This is when FEAR starts to take over and you resort to what I call your “Negative Relationship Strategy”.

You know what this is already.

I want you to think of a woman you know who’s constantly worried, troubled, or having “failure” in her efforts to have a relationship.

Picture her in your mind right now and start to remember the emotional state that she gets in when you see her going through uncertain situations where she becomes fearful and worried.

Now I want you to think of her and how she must communicate to the man that she’s dating.

Picture in your mind how she communicates with him, the emotions she shares and projects, and how the man only withdraws and resists her the harder she tries and more she worries.

The way that she is being is what I could call her “Negative Relationship Strategy”.

Her way of trying get what she thinks she wants in the face of fear and uncertainty.

Now that you’ve got this picture in your mind and you know what this is… I want you to recognize that you too have your own way of communicating fear and anxiety with a man and trying to get what you want in a relationship.

Do you know what your Negative Relationship Strategy is?

Identifying your “weak” strategy that you fall back on in tense, emotional, uncertain situations with a man is one of THE KEYS to learning how to communicate with a man and grow into a more committed and open relationship together.

I’ll talk to you again soon, and best of luck in life and love!

Your Friend,

Christian Carter

Categories : Common Dating Problems

Christian Carter is a leading advisor to women on dating, relationships, connection and love. An expert in psychology, communication and behavior, Christian Carter has developed foundational concepts that help women understand men, dating and relationships. Visit Christian's official website, by clicking here.

7 Comments

  1. Laura Grunewald says:

    How do I buy this book? I went to Amazon.com, but did not find it.

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  2. Christine Sparks says:

    bought it last year and now slept with someone I adore and he is not calling me and maybe won’t ever….so I looked for that section and I didn’t keep perhaps the most important part in the whole e-book! Help!

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  3. Christine says:

    Need the slept with him too soon part in the e-book that I cannot locate, please! Yes, I did it and need to know if I can do anything to redeem myself. I am NOT calling him or contacting and he does not live close by.

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  4. TC says:

    Christian – Can you please expound on what specifically a woman should do after this happens? What SHOULD she now say to him, should she sleep with him again? PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE help us out here…I have your Catch em and Keep em eBook, which tells why you shouldn’t but what about more specific guidelines that are needed for women like us that have slept with a man too soon…….thanks.

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  5. Gwen says:

    Dear Christian,
    I’ve just bought your ebook “Catch em keep em” and I am now learning so much! You are so right about so many things, thank you!

    I’m recently interested in this man I met in a club(i know this is kinda the worst start) and slept with him the 2nd time we met…I am regretting slightly for the speed of this because I now realise that I may be interested in dating this man exclusively, getting to know him on a deeper level.

    So we’ve been flirting over text messages(it’s only been slightly over a week), it’s been fun and light, but he never really talks about much action like setting another time to meet etc. I am keeping things light and fun and he has said that I’m a “nice and cool girl” – passing remark or sincere remark? I suspect he’s abit of an introvert too..he tells about himself more than he asks about me..

    How do I ‘fix’ this and get things on the right track?
    Please, help!

    Urgently
    Gwen

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  6. Lu says:

    To all the ladies: please, help, help?
    Reading your comments, i think you’re making the classic mistake again asking what to do.
    Wether the guy doesn’t call you anymore cause you gave it up so soon or cause he just realized he’s just not that into you, it doesn’t matter! There’s nothing you can do or say to change that. The fact he doesn’t call you anymore is all the information you need.

    Appearently even after reading these books, women still focus on how they can change the so called man of their dreams instead of focusing on their needs and desires, which in the first place should be; only wanting a men that wants you!

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  7. Nikki says:

    have more love for yourself than wasting time beating yourself up…and at least know that through the choices you make you cannot control anyone else…as much as you may like to sway him…but you can only learn more about yourself through it all… and if it is meant to be then there is a lesson to be learned through it all whether it is for one night or one lifetime

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