What Drives Men Away, And What Attracts Them

Written by Christian Carter |  3 Comments

Do you ever worry that you are going to lose a good man?

You aren’t alone. Today I wanted to talk about how such negative beliefs and doubts often lead to incredibly destructive behavior: clingy ? neediness that DRIVE MEN AWAY faster than Monday Night Football.

About 2 months ago I met a fantastic guy – the chemistry is amazing, the strongest ever, and there is a strong physical attraction. But I cannot stop the negative thinking that comes into my mind about everything this man does or says. If he doesn’t call for a day I think he will never call (he always does), and if he changes plans (usually with a good reason) I think he is pulling away. My thinking is making my behavior clingy and obsessive and it is taking every ounce of strength not to show how I am feeling so I don’t scare him away. These games are exhausting. All my friends tell me to relax and enjoy, but how do you do this?

First, thanks for your honesty and self-awareness in this question. I’m glad you asked because having this kind of repetitive negative thinking is more common that you might think.

And it almost ALWAYS drives a man away.

If not physically, then emotionally.

In fact, whether you see it or not, both men AND women have these uncertain and insecure feelings that get in their way.

So the good news is that you’re not alone.

But the bad news is that lots of women who feel “helpless” in this way NEVER figure out what to do about it until it’s too late.

By then the guy has already come to that critical moment where he has seen so much of your insecure thinking and behavior that he gets that “Eeeewwwww” feeling.

You know, that feeling where you see something that’s so unappealing to you that you literally tighten up your body, your eyes, everything, and say or think “Eeeeewwwww”.

This “Eeeeewwwww” feeling changes everything.

Once a man has this “Eeeewwww” feeling with a woman, there’s little or nothing she can do to try and bring back the passion and respect a man used to have for her.

And forget about him feeling ATTRACTION.

A man’s “Eeeewwwww” is basically him feeling the OPPOSITE of attraction, where he literally wants to get away as quickly as possible.

The truth is that THE MOST CERTAIN AND COMPLETE WAY TO DRIVE A MAN AWAY (and as far away as possible) is to become overly needy, clingy, and suspicious.

Whether in private or in public.

I don’t just mean in what you SAY.

I’m also talking about doing this just by what you FEEL.

One of the things I’ve talked about before is how once you believe something to be “true”, you tend to find proof of what it is that you believe all around you in the world.

For example, people used to believe that the world was flat… and when they did, there was proof everywhere that they found that made “sense” to them and supported their firm belief that the world was flat.

And even when someone came along and proved that the world was round, it took a long time for most people to start to accept this as “reality”.

The reason that I bring this up is because it sounds to me like you’re looking for an answer to a problem… when what you need is NOT an answer.

What you need is the right BELIEF.

So instead of trying to “fix” all the things that you think are the problem with you in your relationship, you should actually try to change what you believe and PREVENT these problems in the first place.

Following me here?

Good.

I’m going to talk about how to prevent this problem first, then tell you a few things you can do when you run into it again in the future as well.

Here are two things to keep in mind:

1) As you might already know, men aren’t often the best in the world at giving emotional support and at nurturing. He might not recognize what’s really going on with you, or he might not know how to give you what you want, or it might even be that he is afraid of how you are acting and he doesn’t feel comfortable getting any closer to you.

2) Men expect that if a woman likes them, then the woman should feel good when she’s around him. I know it might sound simple, or even stupid, but if a woman is constantly stressed or worried or unhappy when she’s around a man, not only does a man feel like he can’t make her happy, but he’ll want to spend LESS and LESS time around her.

Here are two ways to communicate with a man that will make him not only FEEL GOOD, but make him want to communicate with you and be around you more:

1) Figure out how to make it so that men can see and recognize what it is that you are looking for with them, without frustrating or confusing them even more.

2) Find out why it is that YOU are so chronically unsatisfied. Men want to be around women who make them FEEL GOOD. Telling him that he is constantly doing things WRONG just creates more ANXIETY

Now, let’s tackle this first approach.

To figure out how to help a man, you need to recognize what it is that you are looking for from him first. So… you might have to work on figuring this out for yourself first.

My bet is that this isn’t the first relationship with a man where you’ve felt and acted this way… and your need to feel reassured and approved of by others in order to feel Ok about yourself isn’t just a thing that comes up with men.

You probably do this in other subtle ways with other people in your life too – like with your friends and your family.

In other words, what you’re doing is a pattern of communicating in ALL your relationships.

It just happens to be a higher-stakes and more emotionally intense situation when it comes to men, dating, and relationships.

The truth is, you need to learn how to communicate in a relationship with a man in a way that actually brings you closer together AND gets your needs met…

You don’t want to keep “playing the games” that are pushing him further away from you.

You CAN and need to share your feelings. You just haven’t learned HOW to share them in a way that ACTUALLY WORKS and has positive results with men in relationships.

And until you learn how to share your feelings, you’re never going to get away from that awful disconnected and isolated feeling where you fear telling the man in your life how you really feel inside.

Feeling this way is NOT a way to live in your relationship, and you know it.

Even if your relationship went on, it would be destined to blow up because you wouldn’t have a voice and be appreciated for your feelings.

If you need to learn more about how to talk with a man and do it in a way that he will listen and RESPOND to, rather than withdraw from…

AND you want to learn how to understand HIM better too…

If you’re insecure, scared, and uncertain, and you’re asking a man questions such as,

“How do you feel about me?”

Or…

“Where’s this going?”

Or…

“Are you serious about us?”

Then you’re making the kind of mistakes that are proven to make men become MORE RESISTANT to opening up, communicating, and committing for a secure and certain relationship.

In short, you need to learn how to communicate and behave with a man in a way that makes him feel, on a deep level, that you are the one for him to be deeply committed with.

If you don’t know how to do this, then a man is very likely to NEVER want to commit and share a real and lasting relationship with you… no matter how hard you try.

In fact, if the way you communicate with a man sends him the message that you’re “needy” or “clingy”, you’re likely to just push him further away.

Most people could stand to spend more time working on improving the way that they communicate their thoughts and feelings.

I know personally that this is something that I’ve struggled with in the past, as it’s so easy to think that people can read your mind or understand where you’re coming from when you share with them.

But it’s not that simple to share exactly what you feel, or for others to understand it.

That’s why I’ve spent a lot of time in my life trying to be more conscious and improve in communicating with other people.

There are probably a few things you’re also doing that make men feel a little strange when they’re with you and around you (this is just a guess, as most people, men and women, have things they could improve when it comes to communicating).

Maybe you’re acting a little too “needy”, as you said.

Maybe you’re acting too “helpless” and you’re waiting for him to tell you that everything is going to be ok and “save you”.

And maybe YOU are the one who isn’t “present” in your mind when you’re with him. Your mind is worrying about what happened in the past, or what’s going to happen in the future… and therefore you don’t do anything that makes things better and happen NOW.

Think about it.

Men expect women to be a kind of “emotional leader” in relationships. For men, women often bring a deeper and richer emotional aspect to their lives that they don’t have elsewhere.

Remember, HE’S THE MAN. He’s the one who wants to feel good by winning a woman over and making her feel great.

And when a man sees that you feel great, then he’ll feel great too… and EVERYTHING ELSE will almost magically get easier.

You need to TAKE RESPONSIBILITY for your thinking and behavior and communication that makes you see more of the behavior and responses in him that scare you and make you feel and act even more needy and scared.

Help yourself by breaking the self-defeating and destructive cycle you are reinforcing for yourself.

And to answer your question directly of “What can I do to relax and enjoy things?”, I’d say that it all depends.

My favorite thing that works in my own life, and works for LOTS of women I know, is the simple act of breathing.

Do me a favor right now…

I want you to sit up straight, notice your posture, pull your shoulders back, relax your neck and then slowly take a long deep breath in.

Keep breathing in until air fills your lungs.

Once you fill your lungs with air, pause for a second.

And now I want you to exhale slowly and deeply all the way out until all the air in your lungs has been pushed out.

Imagine all the feelings, tension, stress, and worry from your day being pushed out of you with the air that leaves your body.

Relax your body even more as you breathe out.

Now I want you to breathe in and do this over two more times. Becoming more and more relaxed and clear headed each time.

I’ll wait while you do it.

..

..

Ok. I know there’s no “magic answer” here, but my point is that if you are already aware of the emotions, feelings, and behaviors that are getting in your way, and you’re NOT DOING anything about it… then you need to change the way that you are DOING things… and not just what you’re thinking.

One of the best tricks I’ve learned to make better decisions is by using the breathing you just did to give myself both the time and the clarity I need in stressful or tense situations in my life and relationships.

I can honestly say I’ve yet to meet someone, myself included, who has said or done something they’ve regretted while they were relaxed and in the state several deep breaths puts you in.

In the seminars that I teach, we do several communication exercises that not only encourage the same type of “pause” and clarity that you might have just felt, but I get deep into the specific “How To’s” and “What to say” when.

Your emotional state and your choice of words say SOOOOO MUCH about you, and believe it or not, if you feel something, even though you don’t say it, men see it and sense it inside you.

If what you’re communicating “under the surface” in your emotions isn’t working together with your words to draw a man in and create ATTRACTION, then you’re going to get a lot of resistance… and a lot less understanding, connection, and affection.

I’ll talk to you again soon, and best of luck in life and love.

Your Friend,

Christian Carter

Categories : Attracting Men

Christian Carter is a leading advisor to women on dating, relationships, connection and love. An expert in psychology, communication and behavior, Christian Carter has developed foundational concepts that help women understand men, dating and relationships. Visit Christian's official website, by clicking here.

3 Comments

  1. Monalisa says:

    i think this was wonderful and apt. thank you.

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  2. Lisa Bailey says:

    I have been with my partner for 4 years, for months ago he endedt the realtionship and said i was too needy had no self confidence and my family wouldnt excep me. I was totally guttered as we were plaining to build a house together and eventually marry.. After we broke up he told me one night he was going to propose but i went and got jealous about something. He is now in another realtionship, and still was seeing me on the side however in the mean time said i need to let go. I decided that i couldnt handle it and said he wont be hearing from me again. It has only been 3 days, but i feel impowered after making a firm decs. Why do they back for sex, i dont get it

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  3. I have been with my boyfriend for over 3 years and it was very on and off for a long time. We had finally got to where I wanted to be and we were both so happy and making plans for the future, living together, marriage. We have had a couple of petty arguments and he has finished the relationship. How can I resolve this situation with him? We have been in this situation before. What is the best way to handle it?

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