The Big Mistake That Makes Men Withdraw

Written by Christian Carter |  1 Comment

Tons of women do this one thing.

And it must leave them feeling awful…

I wonder if you do it too?

I’m talking about women who hide their true feelings from a man and fear sharing their desire for a closer relationship and for love.

Ever felt this way?

It happens when you won’t communicate directly with a man about your feelings because you think you’ll “scare him away”.

Unfortunately, you’re right… it could scare him away IF you don’t know how to communicate with a man in a way that gets him to listen to you and not hear what his fears want him to hear.

The way you talk to a man about a relationship turns out to be THE BIGGEST MISTAKE ANY WOMAN CAN MAKE WITH A MAN.

I’ll come back to this giant mistake in just a quick second…

First, I’d like to talk about what I’ve seen in the dating world as a guy and share a FASCINATING story with you.

I’ve had women communicate their feelings with me in all sorts of different ways from joy to anger to frustration, and I know what each one does to a man. (and in a larger context, what communicating this way does to any person in general – man or woman)

See, there’s a common pattern most men and women share when it comes to their dating experiences.

Tell me if it sounds familiar to you.

THE STORY GOES SOMETHING LIKE THIS…

(let’s pretend I’m the man in this story and you’re the woman)

You and I meet. We both like each other. (lucky me!)

Our feelings develop for each other on several level (physically, emotionally, socially)

You try to be “patient” and not express too many feelings and what you want to play it cool.

We have a great “connection” and have a great time when we’re together… but we never really talk about what we want in our future around dating, a relationship, or marriage.

Time goes by and things are great for us when we’re together.

But eventually, you begin to see that you’re not getting what you want from me in the relationship once you start to see that things aren’t moving past this “casual” but fun situation.

Which brings up a dilemma in your mind.

You want more, but you’re scared of talking to me about it because you don’t know where I’m at.

You want us to get closer, but you don’t want to “rock the boat” and do something that will make things worse, when all you want is for things to be even more magical for us both together.

Plus, you’re a little scared about how things are going to go in the future because I’ve talked to you about all the bad experiences I’ve had with women in the past and part of you knows that I might not be “open” or seem “ready” for the kind
of true love and a lasting relationship that we could have.

And sometimes I even make negative remarks about dating and relationships that make you think that there’s a part of me that doesn’t “get” what we have together or fully appreciate it the way you do.

Of course, you don’t want to ruin the good things we have going, but in the back of your mind you know that you want to talk about where things are headed so you can have some certainty and not feel like you’re just waiting around for me to “get with the program” and figure it out.

But the more you think about this, and us, the more you start to feel fear and the negative emotions that come into your mind.

You think to yourself,

“What if he’s not that serious about me and I’m totally in love with him?”

“What if this is all he wants, and I’m left hanging after putting so much into this?”

“What if everything that I’ve been feeling and starting to count on isn’t real!?”

Your head is full of these thoughts… but you still don’t communicate with me about them.

Then, as I start to see us growing closer, a few things start to happen for me at the same time:

- I notice that you’re acting different and seem more emotional, more worried, and almost “needy” when we’re together

- I notice that we don’t have as much fun anymore and that things are starting to feel “heavy” and like it’s “work” when we’re together

- You don’t seem to be so “into me” anymore, and you aren’t just happy to see me and share your love and affection when we first see each other

- I start to notice that you question me a lot more, and react to little things that I do, no matter how small or insignificant I think they are

And finally…

- I start to pull away as I feel these things and don’t know what they are (which only makes you feel worse, worry more, reinforces the negative distance we’re both starting to feel between us)

But still, you’re trying to play it cool and let things work out without freaking out.

So you don’t say anything to me directly to communicate what’s going on for you and your feelings.

And of course, being a normal guy, I don’t say anything either. (Of course, I’m a man!)

But you become more and more frustrated and confused that I’m not acting how I used to act.

Things begin to change with the way I treat you.

I don’t pay as much attention to you anymore.

I don’t surprise you or bring you flowers anymore.

I’m tired everyday after work and just want to watch tv when I get home.

I call you less frequently.

I don’t initiate sex as much anymore.

You even consider that I could be seeing someone else because of how differently I’m acting with you now.

And after a few months – I’ve become totally distant from you.

So what happens next?

You decide you’re not happy with where things are and it’s time to have a talk.

But you’re SCARED of expressing your feelings about what you want because it will scare me away, so you let things build up inside you until you begin to let your frustrations with me show.

And to wrap the story up…

You make THE BIGGEST MISTAKE YOU CAN MAKE WITH A MAN…

You start a conversation about the relationship and then you “let me have it”! (you get upset and lose your cool with me)

All your desires, fears, frustrations and dreams that you’ve been holding inside away from me all pour out in one big emotional explosion…

This “Big Mistake” can take the form of arguing and yelling, but not exclusively.

Sometimes it’s just extreme intensity, perhaps tears.

It might include:

- Complaining about the current state of the relationship

- Talking about the things he does wrong with you

- Showing your frustrations about what you feel is missing

- Becoming upset that he doesn’t feel how you’d like him to feel

- Bringing up past issues, arguments or disappointments

But it always creates a lot of emotional tension and “drama”. Especially in the guys mind.

This is THE LAST THING you want to do with a man if you want to get some positive results and move things FORWARD and become CLOSER in your relationship.

That tension that’s created stays with him, and he NEVER forgets it.

In his mind, he now thinks of you as “hysterical” and full of issues. His mind defines you by what he saw in your behavior, and it scares him.

And yes, I know it’s not fair. But it’s the man’s weird and twisted reality…

I’ve heard hundreds, maybe thousands, of men talk about this exact perception of a woman and how they fear being with a woman who they think will make this giant mistake.

And yeah, I also know that this is an immature, selfish and unfair way to see things… but it’s the reality of the situation that lots of women end up being “that woman” to the man in their lives.

So… the million dollar question is -

How do you avoid this situation?

And what do you do instead to communicate with a man in a way that won’t scare him off but bring you closer and build a better foundation for communication and your relationship.

I’ll tell you how in THREE EASY STEPS.

Step 1) You Need To Understand What’s Going On Inside The Mind Of Your Man…

Let me tell it to you straight, as a man…

Women secretly believe that their connection with a man will “naturally” turn into something deeper without any communication taking place.

It’s as though the unspoken truth about what’s going on is that the man is of course falling for the woman, and that he only has reasons to want to COMMIT and stay.

All other options either don’t make sense, or are just impossible with the way you both feel with each other.

Honestly… this isn’t how it works with most men in the real world.

If you’re “assuming” you have a relationship, and that he feels like you do, odds are that you’re wrong.

Men don’t assume that a connection, being together, spending quality time and all the rest means they’re in a committed relationship.

Some men do, but not most.

For a man to know he’s in a committed relationship, and understand the things YOU want in that relationship, YOU have to communicate with him in CLEAR AND DIRECT terms.

Yeah, that’s right… You have to put yourself out there and be vulnerable.

Scary, right?

And all the “common wisdom” tells you that doing this is the surest way to scare a man off.

I hear lots of women who think that other women who have great relationships just happened to have found the right guy who was “ready”, and that’s why they’ve been able to move into a deep, loving, committed relationship with a man.

It’s as though women who DON’T have these kinds of relationship just believe that other women who have them are just LUCKY to have found such a great guy.

And while in some rare cases this is true… it’s generally NOT luck that women in great relationships have that allows them to communicate with a man in a way that brings them both closer and deepens the connection and commitment.

It’s that these women either naturally know how to interact and communicate with men in relationships in a way that WORKS…

OR they’ve taken the time to find and learn the right information, and integrate a new, more productive and positive way of communicating into their thinking and behavior.

(Hint – most women aren’t “naturals” at this, just as most men aren’t “naturals” at this with women either)

Odds are, you don’t “naturally” have this talent to communicate with a man in a relationship about the “tough” stuff and grow closer for it.

Doing this is not easy. In fact, it’s a “skill” most people have to learn to finally create and grow and real, lasting, loving relationship.

But the good news is that there’s a very easy way to learn and get help.

Keep reading…

Step 2) You Need To Understand What Causes You To Make “The Big Mistake”

EVERYONE wants to have THEIR needs met first.

It’s basic human nature.

But being able to delay your gratification is an AMAZING thing to develop in your life. (in every part of your life, not just dating)

Most people (men and women) want to talk, talk, talk about what THEY think and what THEY want.

The root of this problem basically boils down to having your own needs that are unmet.

So making “The Big Mistake” is really all about being driven by your unmet needs and desires and solely focusing on what YOU want the relationship to be… without honestly and critically considering the man’s perspective, his emotional state, his commuication skills and where he’s coming from at the same time.

Here’s the thing…

When you do this with a man, and don’t consider things from his perspective, in the same way you want him to consider yours, you are subconsciously telling him that you’re more interested in your feelings and what YOU want than you are in his feelings and what he wants.

And men pick up on and “read” women who do this.

Instantly.

I see a form of this “Big Mistake” all the time in business by the way.

Some business professionals are the worst at this self absorbed “need” oriented communication.

Like when someone calls me who wants to get something from me or sell me something and they’re not very experienced or polished at it.

The first thing I pick up on is their selfish agenda… and it instantly puts me on them defensive.

But if they’ve done their “homework” on me and what I’m looking for, instead of coming from a place of need about what THEY WANT from me… then when they talk it changes the whole situation the second they show me they’ve thought about what I want.

It’s very simple… but extremely powerful.

So let’s take this concept directly back to communicating with men.

It might sound cliche’, but you’ve got to learn to listen and understand where’s he’s at and where’s he’s coming from.

This cliche’ is a around for a reason.

It works.

Patience, empathy and understanding are the first steps towards creating the relationship you dream about with another person who has his own dreams, desires, and frustrations.

Or course, you’ve also got to be careful to not become the woman who gives a man EVERYTHING and gets walked on either.

We’ll get to how to make sure you are “heard” and have your needs met in a minute…

Step 3) How To Avoid Making The Big Mistake

Let me give you a vital piece of information when dealing with men…

Men are CLUELESS when it comes to identifying the things that are “obvious” to women in dating and relationships.

I would know. It’s taken me ten years to begin to understand these things for myself – and I spend a LOT of time thinking about it.

Sorry though, I’m “spoken for”… (Oh Please, get over yourself Christian!!)

Ok, enough self-indulgent humor, back to you.

So we know men are AWFUL at initiating and participating in conversations about deep emotions and relationships.

Sorry to break the bad news, but it’s almost always up to you to make this communication happen.

Or at least to get it started and make it a part of your ongoing relationship.

Luckily, if motivated, men can be great learners who pick things up quickly and like to succeed at new things.

So learn to take advantage of their strengths, instead of condemning them for their weaknesses.

It’s important to remember to approach the entire conversation from the perspective of talking about what you want AND what he wants.

If you can make a guy feel like you put his feelings and needs a priority in this conversation, and always consider what he wants, I promise he will LOVE YOU for it!

And return the favor.

There’s no rule that says you can’t consider another persons opinions and feelings first in order to get what you want.

In fact, a key goal in negotiating is to let the other person talk first.

When you get to listen first, you ALWAYS have the advantage.

Why?

Because You know exactly what the other person is thinking and wants… and knowledge is influence and power.

I’m not saying you need to take on hard-core negotiating tactics here with a man, but some of the same rules and principles about people and psychology apply.

When you talk to a man from a positive place of listening first, he will be 10,000 times more receptive to what you have to say and what you want once you bring it up than if you approach him from a place of feeling hurt, communicate need and projecting fear and anxiety.

Try this instead…

Ask a positive question or give a positive statement such as, “Honey, I was thinking today that I was happy to be with you.”

It might sound submissive, corny, or difficult to say to someone you’re having a tough time with, but think about it…

If you’re going through all the trouble to worry so much about the future with this person, this is already what you’re thinking.

I’ll talk to you again soon and best of luck in life and love!

Your Friend,

Christian Carter

Christian Carter is a leading advisor to women on dating, relationships, connection and love. An expert in psychology, communication and behavior, Christian Carter has developed foundational concepts that help women understand men, dating and relationships. Visit Christian's official website, by clicking here.

One Comment

  1. melissa vance says:

    Christian, this information were very helpful. Me and my boyfriend of a year or having a hard time communicating, thus creating tension, anger and resentment towards each other. I don’t know what to do, but I will try to use nicer terminology.

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