Being The Woman A Man Wants To Commit To

Written by Christian Carter |  No Comment

I get a lot of questions from women asking about how to respond to men when things become confusing or uncertain as a relationship is growing closer.

Questions such as…

“What do I do when a guy isn’t calling or initiating things the way he used to?”

Or…

“We’ve been dating for a little while and I know we have a special connection. But when I talked to him about us being something more ‘serious’ he freaked out. What should I do now?”

Or…

“How can I talk to a man and have him open up and share what’s going on inside, when he is being more and more distant?”

In fact, these questions might be some of the areas that women want to know about most.

I’ve been doing a lot of thinking over the past year or so about what allows some particular women to create a deep level of CONNECTION and ATTRACTION with the men in their lives… while other women have little or no success and therefore have trouble when it comes to creating a real, lasting, loving relationship with a man.

I’m talking about the kind of connection that will make the typical challenges other women face with men in relationships feel effortless.

The kind of connection that goes BEYOND PHYSICAL ATTRACTION.

The kind of connection that creates a lasting “emotional bond” that’s deeper than something just sexual.

The kind of connection that tells a man that the woman he’s with is the one and only woman for him… without the woman having to ever say a word to convince him of it to get him to commit.

In other words, I’ve been watching women (and the men they’re with) to see if I could figure out why some women are able to create intense physical AND emotional attachments inside of men…

While other women seem to have little or no luck at this, no matter how hard they want it or try.

I’ve figured out a lot since I started looking at all this. And if you’ve read my eBook, then you’re already familiar with the concept of the “cool girl” that I talk about.

A “cool girl” is a phrase men use with each other when they’re talking about a woman who “naturally” knows how to relate to, respond to and interact with men in a fun and interesting way.

And among men, this carries a lot of power.

You might have noticed that guys will praise their friend if they see that the girl he’s with is a “cool girl”. They’ll encourage him to spend time with her and ask him to bring her around as part of their “inner circle”.

Needless to say, this has a strong conscious and subconscious effect on how a man feels about a woman in his life.

On the other hand…

If a guy’s friends see that the woman their friend is dating ISN’T a “cool girl”, they’ll often make negative remarks to encourage their friend to spend less time with her, and subtly discourage him from committing much of his time or attention to being with her.

After paying more and more attention to this idea that men have of the “cool girl”, I also started to notice something else FASCINATING…

Men can almost instantly know if a woman is or is NOT a “cool girl” just by seeing how she reacts and responds to common social situations.

It’s like they have UN-cool girl radar that will pick up even the slightest signal.

But don’t worry, I’ve also found that you don’t have to be born a “cool girl”.

In fact, it’s something any woman can easily learn if she wants to change her interactions with men for the better.

So let’s talk about how to use the idea of the “cool girl” to have an easier level of connection and open communication with men in your dating life, or in your relationship.

So what is a “cool girl”?

And what is it about a woman who’s “cool” that makes men feel more attracted to her than an “uncool” woman?

Isn’t your love life worth it?

Now, back to the “cool girl” and how men see and respond instantly when they see that a woman thinks and behaves as a cool girl does…

Let me tell you a few quick mini-stories about women I’ve known who were UN-cool to help you see what’s going on here…

One friend I used to have LOVED to argue with people.

She would start arguments about anything and always take the opposite perspective on every topic. She did this with men all the time too.

I think she felt like she was coming across as smart, independent and confident when she argued.

Guess what?

Men hated it and got a bad taste in their mouth as soon as she started in.

Her friends hated it too. She was UN-cool because her insecurity was so strong that she had to argue to get attention and feel important.

Another friend I have has always tried to do nice things and favors for the man she liked or was dating at the time.

As soon as she would meet a man she liked, she would try to find something she could do for him.

Of course, she got upset when the man didn’t return her favor or gift with the feelings of affection she wanted to receive in return… and she acted upset and “taken advantage of”.

As time went on, she became more and more convinced that all men were selfish jerks.

All this, of course, made men sense danger and run away because they intuitively knew a world of desperation and emotional frustration was waiting just under the surface for any guy who spent time with her.

As you can probably guess, she was trying to barter with men and manipulate them into giving her what she thought she wanted through her favors and “bribes”.

Guess what?

None of these made men FEEL anything for her like she had hoped, even though she thought she was showing men what a great person and a great “catch” she was, and encouraging them to feel love and appreciation for her.

Some men actually had a hard time finding respect for her because of her supposed “generosity”.

They sensed that her “gifts” weren’t given out of the kindness of her heart, but to try and win their approval and buy their affections.

I know another woman who loves to tell men when she first meets them that she’s so easygoing when it comes to relationships that she’d rather have a “casual” thing.

She even says things like, “I don’t want the drama of a serious relationship right now. Men are too much trouble.”

Of course, as she gets a few weeks or months into a situation with a man, it always seems to turn out the same…

She changes her mind in an instant. And without even talking to the guy about it, or remembering how things got started, she starts resenting her situation and the man she’s with for it not being more than what it is.

The man inevitably sees her behavior and attitude change and becomes frustrated and negative.

And without ever talking to the guy about it, she turns on him and lets him have an earful of how unhappy she is with their situation and with him – blaming him for putting her in the situation.

Now, all three of the women I’ve mentioned above have different problems… but the way I see it, they’re all strangely related.

Here are a few more quick stories about women I know who are “cool”.

One woman I know always has a group of fun and loving people around her. In fact, I don’t think I’ve ever hung out with this woman and not had people wanting to spend time with her and be a part of the atmosphere she creates.

People seem to open up and become their best around her.

We can’t go anywhere without people wanting to say hi to her and connect with her for at least a minute or two.

Of course, she always has several good guys around too, wanting to talk and hang out with her, and she teases them and treats them like good friends who she’s comfortable enough to be fun and playful with.

She’s not a supermodel, she isn’t the most outgoing person in the world, and she’s not a “player” type just looking for attention from a bunch of guys.

In fact, she just married recently, to a really great guy.

She DOES, on the other hand, make it her business, even now, to know how and where to go out to have a good time and surround herself with great people, day or night.

Her life is, and will always be, full of great people and great stories.

Stories that the man in her life always wants to be a part of.

I have another friend that is really amazing. But she does something that’s rather unusual, especially when she’s around men. She’s one of those women who is always completely honest and “present” with her feelings and intentions.

Of course, this doesn’t mean that she gets “over-emotional” often, or tells people negative or disappointing things.

She knows exactly how to be in touch with her mind and body in a way that lets her feel and express herself without “dramatizing”, and without judgment.

People, men and women, can’t help but be drawn in by her magnetic energy and confident and direct attitude.

And they always have an instant level of respect and admiration for her.

It’s always a breath of fresh air to be talking and interacting with her.

Somehow, the men that are around always want to talk to HER. And all the guys she knows think of her as one of the coolest women around.

She recently got engaged, and I can tell that her fiancée’ has been smitten with her from day one.

He considers himself the luckiest guy around, and knows that she’s the one special woman for him.

Period.

So what is it that separates the “cool” girls from the “uncool” girls?

What is “cool”?

What is it that makes a few rare people the kind of people that EVERYONE wants to be around and spend their time with?

And what is it about UN-cool women that makes men withdraw and resist any level of real connection and commitment?

And what is it about this element that I’m calling “cool” that makes women who have it attract more men than they can handle, to where guys will literally fight to be the only one?

THE DEFINITION OF A “COOL GIRL”

I personally think that being “cool” comes down to:

1) Being Independent In Your Thoughts

2) Being Comfortable Without “Control”

3) Being “Present”

4) Observing Your Emotions

Before I get into each of these in detail, I want to mention something…

Usually, I tend to stick to concepts and ideas to help you think about men, dating and relationships in new ways, or give you advice to get you past limiting beliefs and patterns, and give you new understandings about men, etc.

I’ve realized recently that there are a few BASIC, FUNDAMENTAL things that you need to really “get” about interacting with other people before you start trying to learn advanced stuff, like how to communicate with a man about your relationship, when his uncertainty might throw you for a loop. If you don’t have some of the basic things handled, all the fancy ideas in the world won’t help you.

So stick with me here, this is important.

OK, so let’s talk about the four components that I mentioned above.

BEING INDEPENDENT IN YOUR THOUGHTS

Independent is the OPPOSITE of “dependent”.

When you act “dependent”, you lean on others, you look to them for approval, you ask what they think before you make a decision, you tend to want to stay physically close to them, and your feelings tend to depend on what others feel and think of you.

When you act INDEPENDENT, you lean back, you do things because YOU decided you wanted to, you don’t ask others what they think – instead you decide for yourself that you are fine walking away from your friends for a while when you’re out, and your feelings are controlled by what YOU think, not what others think or feel.

A “dependent” person will go out with a friend, stick close to them all night, ask what everyone else is eating before they order, get upset easily about things that others say, and constantly be looking for attention and approval in some way.

An INDEPENDENT person, on the other hand, will go out with friends and be more likely to… walk around the place to see who’s there – and feel fine about striking up a conversation with a friendly new face… They’ll be cool and calm no matter what happens – even if others are getting upset around them… And, most importantly, they aren’t looking to others for attention and approval. They’re doing their own thing, and enjoying whatever happens because that’s what they want – to enjoy themselves no matter what.

BEING COMFORTABLE WITHOUT “CONTROL”

Have you ever stopped and realized that it seems like you are the only one doing all the thinking and communicating in your relationship with a man?

Maybe it’s that way because of the VACUUM that he leaves by not communicating with you…

But what if it was ALSO the case that you had compensated for him by taking “CONTROL” of the relationship, and constantly talking about YOUR desires, fears and frustrations – since he’s not sharing his?

How do you think that changes the way a man sees you? And your relationship?

Most people in this world are intensely ATTACHED to the outcomes of things. They’re constantly worrying about what’s going to happen… and talking about the future in a fearful, uncertain way.

This type of person always wants to know what other people think of them, and they’re worrying about what they should do so other people will like them and keep giving them what they want from them.

Unfortunately, this almost ALWAYS comes across as INSECURITY on some level.

A person who isn’t so deeply ATTACHED to each and every immediate outcome, on the other hand, takes things as they come, and handles them calmly as part of everyday life.

They know life includes sharp turns and unexpected changes, and aren’t resistant and frightened by them.

If it’s a woman, and she’s talking to a man, she will be OK with whatever happens. If he’s open and affectionate with her, great. If he’s uptight and acting distant, no big deal in that moment.

When you are ATTACHED to the outcome of a situation so strongly that it makes you want to control the way another person thinks or feels, it often makes you act crazy.

You pause, act nervous, hold back, look for approval, act insecure, over-analyze, complain… and any of 100 other fear riddled ways of being.

On the other hand, when you’re comfortable with not CONTROLLING the outcome to be exactly what you want in that moment, and you know that the world is bigger than what you’re focusing on, it makes you MAGNETIC.

Especially when it comes to men and dating.

Comfort in the face of uncertainty is the ultimate way to show a LACK of insecurity in life.

BEING “PRESENT”

There’s nothing more INTOXICATING for a man than a woman who knows how to get him out of his head, and his “rational” thinking, and draw him into being close and emotionally connected.

And women who can do this WITHOUT pushing a man to get there with them, or complaining when he’s not as quick to respond as they’d like, have an even bigger advantage when it comes to men wanting to spend their time with them.

There’s one magic quality that will instantly allow you to do all this – as though you’ve been a pro at it all your life…

It’s called being “present”.

The easiest way to explain being present is to remind you how you get when you’re playing sports or you’re driving.

Things are happening so fast, and you’re so completely immersed in what you’re doing, that a few extraordinary things happen without you having to “try”:

- You tune out everything that doesn’t involve what’s at hand.

- The “chatter” of your mind goes completely silent.

- You instantly accept each new thing that is introduced into your environment without judgment and resistance.

If you think through these three qualities or experiences, you’ll see that you find these going on in each and every deep, loving and connected interaction you have.

These are the ingredients to feeling the way you’d probably like to feel with a man, and for him feeling amazing things with you.

But you’ve got to let go of what you think needs to happen to get there.

OBSERVING YOUR EMOTIONS

I know that this sounds funny, but most of the people I know who are “UN-cool”, and don’t naturally attract others to want to be around them, are not very good at managing THEIR OWN emotions.

And here’s where I always get pushback about the value of emotions…

For the record, I see emotions as valuable and important.

They make life fulfilling, and give us depth and meaning we would never have without them.

But what I’m talking about is getting to a place where you are CONSCIOUS of how your emotions work… and knowing yourself well enough to separate the intense emotions inside you from the events of the outside world and your own behavior.

That way you have a CHOICE about what to do with your emotions.

In a sense, this is one of the greatest purposes and goals in life – to figure out how to have the emotional experiences you dream of.

And then learn to share these with others.

So… how are YOU doing at this?

Do you “own” your emotions and guide them?

Or are they guiding you most of the time?

Interesting…

Now… is this all there is to being a “cool girl”?

Is this all there is to being the kind of woman a man is naturally drawn to on a physical AND a deep emotional level?

Of course not.

But it’s a great start.

If you can first get yourself to the place where you’re comfortable and confident with your creating your own emotional experience, and having it be the kind of experience a man will want to share, then you’ll find that taking things to the next level with men will be about 10 times easier.

I’ve had this conversation with MANY women I know who are in loving, lasting relationships with men – and they all basically say the same thing…

You have to learn how to be comfortable and get to a place on your own where you make others (men) feel comfortable being with you, at any time. And if you’re what men call a “cool girl”, this happens almost instantly and all by itself.

If you’re not what men think of as a “cool girl”, then you’re going to have a hard time making ANYONE feel comfortable with you on a real level… never mind having a man feel a deep CONNECTION and LASTING ATTRACTION for you.

I’ll talk to you again soon and best of luck in life and love!

Your Friend,

Christian Carter

Categories : Attracting Men

Christian Carter is a leading advisor to women on dating, relationships, connection and love. An expert in psychology, communication and behavior, Christian Carter has developed foundational concepts that help women understand men, dating and relationships. Visit Christian's official website, by clicking here.

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