If He’s Distant, Does He Really Love You?

Written by Christian Carter |  No Comment

Ever feel like you’d have less real “connection” or intimacy with a man if you didn’t try so hard to keep your relationship “alive”?

And, that the man you’re with might not even notice, let alone know how to help you both grow and change together when something is “off” in your relationship?

Are men really so different that they don’t think about or notice problems in your relationship?

Or is something worse going on here where a man doesn’t want the relationship to go anywhere and has given up on it and you?


Have you ever had the sudden realization that if it wasn’t for YOUR patience, caring and the attention you pay to him and your relationship, that you’d just be drifting apart from each other?

That you’d never grow closer… never get to know each other on a deeper level… and never become MORE COMMITTED if it wasn’t for what YOU insist on and struggle to create?

Do you ever wonder why it can seem like a man just doesn’t care about your relationship and where it’s headed… even though you know that somewhere deep down he does love and care about you?

Well, there’s a reason why these things are so common with men in relationships… and why they can be so frustrating to deal with and get past as a woman.

The truth is, if you’re like most women who are UNSUCCESSFUL in their long term relationships, then your “approach” to your relationship often depends on a man figuring out how to have a great relationship FOR YOU.

You know, all that knight in shining armor stuff where a man’s love and unrelenting commitment to you will make it all work out.

Good luck with that.

There’s a better way…

If you’ve had a few relationships in the past, then you’ve already learned that putting the fate of your love life and relationship in the hands of a man to save is NOT the perfect or ideal situation.

You’ve figured out that if you’re going to have a REAL relationship, that a man isn’t going to have all the answers when things get difficult or uncertain.

Don’t wait for a man to figure out how love and a relationship works.

And sure… a man has to do HIS part and learn and grow too.

A man needs to know how to love and be loved too.

But wouldn’t it be great if you had the CONFIDENCE that comes from KNOWING that you could create what YOU WANT in your relationship?

What if you never had to wait for a man to “figure it out” to have the love and connection you want in your life?

It’s likely that you’ve already got a head start growing up as a woman… which is why it’s time to put your knowledge and intuition to good use.

You’re about to learn 3 of the most important ways that men are different when it comes to relationships… and what to do about it.

And, by the way, if you’ve got a man in your life who knows how to keep you both close and connected in your relationship at all times and you KNOW it’s going to LAST… then you don’t need to read this email.

Go enjoy your love life with confidence, and give and share all of yourself freely.

But, if you aren’t 100% CERTAIN that you’re going to be able to keep a loving relationship with a man… and you’ve had problems with this in the past… then it’s time to recognize and learn how to get past those UNCERTAIN and UNCOMMITTED places with men and relationships.

Keep reading and you’ll be on your way to finding the confidence and understanding in your relationship that only a deep, close, emotional connection with a man can bring.


Let me tell you a quick story…

A man and a woman meet and they have an AMAZING connection from the start.

She quickly falls for him, as he does for her, and they instantly grow close and start spending almost all of their time together.

When they’re apart, most of the time they’re thinking about one another.

A few weeks or months pass and things are going great… but as it happens in life, a few difficult situations come up in each others lives.

Stress and tension starts to build, and as more issues and situations come up, the closeness, affection anbd communication starts to change.

The woman begins to notice how the man has changed and tries to talk to him to bridge the gap and stay close.

But what used to work to bring them together now only seems to make things worse as he pulls away when she wants to talk.

And now she’s getting worried.

She asks herself…

“Why is he acting this way?”

“What happened to what we had?”

“Did his feelings for me change?”

“Did I do something that pushed him away?”

And… “Why doesn’t he seem to notice or care and do anything about it!?”

The man just seems to want to pretend that everything is fine and ignore what’s happening.

When he does talk, he’s short with his words and unexpressive… not sharing his thoughts or feelings about much at all.

He seems “detached” somehow.

And now she feels like if she didn’t do anything to keep the relationship going, that they’d simply drift apart and he wouldn’t do anything about it or even really care.

Ok, end of story.

This story is basically a collection of common situations and feelings that lots of women experience.

Let’s talk about it.

The things going on in the story bring up an important idea – the ways in which men are “naturally” different from women when it comes to communicating and interacting in relationships.

And sure, men are the same in lots of ways.

They want love.

They want respect.

And they want to be heard.

But, men are also very different…

They’re different in how they think.

They’re different in how they feel.

They’re different in their beliefs about what makes for a “good relationship”.

And, they’re different in how they approach and try to “resolve” relationship issues (Sometimes by not trying at all!)

If you want to learn about what’s going on in the UNCERTAIN situations with men… and how to think and respond in POSITIVE, HEALTHY, CONSTRUCTIVE ways for the sake of growing and improving your long term relationship…

Then you need to take a deeper look at what men are REALLY thinking and feeling.

You probably already know from experience that men will often tell you one thing about how they’re thinking or feeling… but actually think and feel another way.

Frustrating, right!?

And, you probably already know from experience that becoming frustrated or overly “emotional” with a man doesn’t often get you very far in becoming closer and growing together in your relationship.

But, isn’t it important to share and express your true feelings in any “real” relationship?


Which leads us to a frustrating PARADOX.

How do you stay “true” to your own feelings and emotions… while ALSO communicating in a way that keeps you close and avoids the common male withdrawal response?

Part of the secret here is to communicate with a man in a way that speaks HIS language and helps him have a better understanding of YOU.

Some women end up analyzing themselves to death over every little thing that happens… what it means, what they should say, and how the guy is going to respond.

The strange truth is that part of the problem here IS analyzing things too much… so, when they show up to talk to the man in their life, she overwhelms him.

Give me a little nod if you’ve watched your friends do this… or you can relate in your own life.

It’s time to stop worrying so much and start doing things that WORK to create the love life you know you can have.

It’s time for it to finally be easy to communicate and share love with the man in your life in the long run.

It’s time for CLARITY.

Let’s talk about what’s going on here and turn what can seem impossible and complex into something SIMPLE and CLEAR.


Before we get to some real in-depth specifics about men and relationships here, there’s something important I want to share…

I have a good friend who has taught me more in a few years than I would have learned living 20 years not knowing her.

She’s one of the smartest and insightful people I’ve ever met when it comes to her unique understanding of HUMAN BEHAVIOR and PSYCHOLOGY… and how it relates to building long term relationships in all areas of life.

Including romantic relationships.

I’ve learned a lot of what I know, or been led to, in one way or another, by her.

Anyway… many years back she shared something with me. Something that has taken me years to come to know and understand for myself.

(As you know, someone can tell you something again and again … but it can take you days, months or even years to come to understand and know what THEY mean by it. Or in other words, it often takes more time that we expect or would like it to, to raise our own level of CONSCIOUSNESS.)

Let me share what she said with you…

She said that when it comes to people and relationships, there’s a big secret EVERYONE uses who are able to build and keep close, fulfilling, trusting relationships in their lives through thick and thin.

That secret is -

“First, seek to understand.”

“Then, seek to be understood.”

When I first heard this, it sounded like a “new-agey” kind of thing.

I thought I “got” what this meant and what it was all about.

My mind quickly went to thinking about how much I already tried to understand others… and how what came from this wasn’t all it was cracked up to be.

In my experience I had been a “giver”, and I often felt at the mercy of others because of it. ESPECIALLY in relationships.

I bet you can relate.

So, the idea of becoming MORE UNDERSTANDING and listening to others more, made me feel like things would just be less satisfying and more difficult in my relationships.

As much as I could see the benefit of listening and understanding first, it just didn’t seem to work out so well in real life for me.

Actually… the people who were a bit more “selfish” seemed to be the ones who more often got what they wanted and had it easy in life.

The reality was that I wasn’t able to see that the world could work any differently from my perspective at the time.

It was only after years or living, studying, observing, learning from others and thinking about my life and the relationships in it that I started to see things differently.

And one day something “snapped” into place.

I had an AMAZING EXPERIENCE as I was going back through an old journal of mine and came across what my friend had said about seeking to understand first.

I hadn’t thought about this idea in a long time… and it hit me in different way now that I was in a different place in my life.

To make a long story short, once you start down your own path of growth in your life and relationships… you’re going to find new meaning and depth in things that didn’t used to be so significant.

And this means you’re becoming more AWARE and CONSCIOUS of the world around you – which is one of the first steps to creating amazing and lasting change.

Of course, I’m talking about life more in general here… but the exact same principles apply to men, dating and relationships.

And, by the way, if you’re getting that anxious or frustrated feeling right now where giving a man more of your understanding is the last thing you want to do… then I’ve got some unfortunate news for you…

YOU are creating your very own RESISTANCE.

That’s right.

YOU are adding to the distance and lack of understanding that’s taking place.

As much as a man might be wrong, acting distant or unfair, or hurting your feelings… if YOU are putting your energy into the negative patterns of fear, or doing the all too common “demand and withdraw” behaviors tons of women slip into in these situations…

Then you’re only adding to the problems and creating more of the “disconnect” between you two.

Ok, so what can you do instead!?

Good question.

First, seek to understand.

So, let’s get right to how this works.

Let’s look at the ways men are different when it comes to relationships, and learn to understand more and put it to work for you…

I promise everything with a man will instantly start to become clearer and easier once you do.

Difference #1: With A Man, Improving Your Relationship Is Often As Easy As Improving “The Now”.

There’s a kind of relationship “shortcut” some women know about and others don’t.

And women who know what it is and how it works often have the men they’re with feeling deeply connected… and ASKING THEM to become more committed… and share more love.

But there’s a catch to this “trick”.

YOU, as a woman, have to be in the right mental and emotional state to make these kinds of “breakthroughs” in your relationship and the way that you interact with a man.


Because if you’re not, you’re going to do all kinds of things to sabotage yourself and get in the way of your own success here.

You’ll start feeling needy or unappreciated and want the man to take over and make things happen for you.

Don’t make this mistake and miss out on the love and connection that’s possible for you in your relationship.

So, here’s the shortcut you can use with any man at almost anytime. (I’ve seen this work with men who were so distant that I would have never believed it if I hadn’t seen it happen myself.)

When a man is acting distant with a woman in a relationship, it’s often because he’s “off in his head” thinking about something else he needs to do or has to take care of.

And, in case you didn’t know… for most men it’s so extremely important to be a strong successful “provider” with a woman, that the closer he is with a woman… the more his mind will try and turn to the outside world, work, etc. in order to make sure he can protect and provide for a woman.

For most men, whether or not they are an “attractive” person relies heavily on if he’s financially successful and has a high level of “social status”.

Of course, a man isn’t often CONSCIOUS that he’s thinking or behaving this way.

These things are part of our “inner biology”.

They are “wired” deep in our brains and affect us on deep SUBCONSCIOUS levels.

So, why am I telling you all of this?

Because you can use it to your advantage and move straight past the detached, withdrawn, work- focused man.

You can learn how to “invite” a man into love and affection with you.

And here is where the shortcut comes in.

See, as much as I hate to admit it, and you might already know this about men… well, we can be simple-minded.

If we have a woman that we are close with, like a girlfriend, the reality is that she has the power change our mood INSTANTLY.

Especially if she triggers the feeling of ATTRACTION.

Let me explain how this works…

When a man is detached, unemotional, etc., often it’s because his mind is focused on “things” and not on people or relationships.

Things like sports, work, cars, or whatever hobby a man happens to be into.

And, it’s this “Focus” that often makes a man seem withdrawn, disinterested or unattentive.

But, there IS something a woman can do to easily get him out of this “Focus” mode to where a man will be more present, “connected” and emotionally responsive.

A woman can help a man move his thinking and attention out of his “mind” and into his body (Don’t worry, feelings and emotions will naturally follow… and if this isn’t making much sense right now, it will in a second.)

It can start with a soft touch, a playful tap, or even just a smile.

It doesn’t take much, other than attention and a little patience.

What’s probably the easiest way to do this is to do what men naturally do to get out of their heads and into the present moment.

They become more physical.

Have you ever watched couples play-fight or wrestle?

For lots of men this is the easiest way they know to become close and connected with a woman… as they aren’t even conscious what they’re doing.

They just naturally become more affectionate and in-tune with a woman than they could have ever figured out how to be trying to talk to a woman about how this all works.

Of course, if you watch a woman do this with a man and you don’t know what she’s up to… it can look like she’s just trying to get his attention in a physical and sexual way.

And some women do this too.

There’s a type of attraction that goes BEYOND PHYSICAL ATTRACTION and gets a man’s attention on an emotional and intellectual level.

This is the kind of attraction I’m talking about creating with a man… where he will move “out of his head” and become open and attentive in the present moment with you.

Lots of women try to TALK with a man in order to get him to be present, loving, affection, etc. with them.

But often times, this completely BACKFIRES.

The reason why is because these women don’t know this “other” kind of attraction works for a man.

Don’t make the mistake of thinking that attraction works the same way for you as it does for a man…

Or that you can try and use Physical Attraction with a man to get an EMOTIONAL response.

You need to learn how to get the EMOTIONAL response from a man that you’re looking for… without demanding it of him in a way that will only encourage him to WITHDRAW.

Inviting a man out of his Focus, or out of his “head”, is a simple first step.

Difference #2: Instead Of Discussing, Exploring And FEELING The Problems In Your Relationship, A Man Will Often Want To “Starve” Them… Or Try To Give You The “Logical Solution” As His Way Of Making Things Better

I’ve got to ask you something. Be honest when you answer -

Do you think men, or more to the point, the men you’ve dated in your life, enjoy talking about their feelings and your relationship as much as you do?

Or that they enjoy it much at all really?

I’m guessing the answer is, “No”.

If so, then this is a vital piece of information for you in your relationship.

But, what have you done with this knowledge?

Have you tried to MAKE A MAN better at talking about his feelings in your relationship, and then become frustrated and upset when it hasn’t gone the way you had hoped?

And, have you ever wanted to talk about something important in your relationship with a man, and brought it up… and then he gave you a short “detached” answer… or he became angry with you and started telling you what to do?

Is this really the best approach?

Think about this for a second…

What if, without knowing it, you’ve been asking a man for the exact thing you DON’T want?

What if, accidentally, the way you were communicating with him was telling him, in his own “language”, to STOP SHARING, to CLOSE OFF, and to be LESS EXPRESSIVE?

Is this possible?

What if there was another way to be with a man that would get you the result you wanted (him opening up to you more) AND… it made everything a whole lot easier for YOU?

Think about it for a minute.

How do men “typically” react when a woman comes to them with intense emotions and feelings and wants to talk about them?

One of two things usually happens.

1. He gives you a short answer that often seems cold and uninterested. Kind of like he isn’t paying attention to you and your FEELINGS.

2. He gets anxious or irritated and instead of responding with caring and understanding, he seems angry. In effect, he starts telling you what to do and to stop bothering him.

Both of these responses have something in common.

Can you guess what it is?

They both show how men tend to want to remove themselves from any situations they see or experience as unnecessarily intense or “emotional”.

I’m not saying that this is a good thing or a bad thing about men, by the way.

But, it is THE REALITY of how most men think and behave.

Which leaves YOU with a choice.

You can either learn to work WITH the way things are…

Or you can keep fighting AGAINST the way things are and continue the negative, self defeating patterns in your love life.

And here’s something else to think about -

Given the two different ways that men often respond that I mentioned above…

Does a man reacting in one of these ways have to mean that he doesn’t care for a woman or her feelings?

And, does a man reacting this way mean he doesn’t care about his relationship?

In a man’s mind, the answer is NO.

But, what do lots of women do when they are confronted with a man’s anxious or irritated response that comes from not knowing what to do with a woman’s feelings?

Instead of trying a different approach, they simply take what is NOT working and dial up the intensity about 20 notches…


Duh! (A scientific term that means you’re acting like a jack-ass)

Stop making your life so difficult for yourself.

Becoming more intense and “emotionally demanding” with others rarely builds strong relationships or gets you what you want.

There is a way to communicate and move to a more committed and “connected” place with a man that does NOT involve asking him to do so, trying to convince him to listen, or demanding that your relationship grow.

If you’ve tried any of these things with a man, then you know that they can just turn into an uphill battle… and trigger the DISTANCE and RESISTANCE you’re trying to avoid.

These two differences I’ve shared with you here are just the beginning.

I’ll talk to you again soon… and best of luck in life and love!

Your Friend,

Christian Carter

Categories : Understanding Men

Christian Carter is a leading advisor to women on dating, relationships, connection and love. An expert in psychology, communication and behavior, Christian Carter has developed foundational concepts that help women understand men, dating and relationships. Visit Christian's official website, by clicking here.

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