Why Affection Can Make A Man Pull Away

Written by Christian Carter |  4 Comments
when man pulls away

Curious about what makes a man see a woman as “relationship material”… and why some women always seem to be the ones to have fun with, but never the one to end up with?

Keep reading and find out what seperates the two… and learn the strange truth behind why men can actually be LESS INTERESTED in a woman who is MORE AFFECTIONATE.

Here we go…

Hi Christian I think your book and emails are truly fantastic, so keep it coming ;-) Now that that’s out of the way, can you please tell me an idea for this: I am an affectionate person. I like holding hands in public, cuddling up in private, being playful, not withdrawn (the challenge) and restrained. I like to smile a lot, laugh more and have a lot of fun. I find it very hard to keep my hands to myself! I get the sense that your advice is to play it cool, calm and collected, and to keep my hands to myself as much as possible. For me that is like telling an Italian to sit on her hands and have a conversation – very difficult to do. How do you work an energetic, robust personality into your system? Kind regards.


Good question. Let’s get straight to it…

You’re confusing one thing for another here. Let me ask you something real quick -

Can you walk right up to a man, meet him for a brief second and exchange “niceties”, flirt, touch him a bit, start making out, and then give him your number and expect that you’ve set the best foundation for a great connection and a potential relationship in the future?

Obviously not. This question is an extreme example meant to make a point.

The thing is… the question you’re asking let’s me see that you don’t understand WHY doing this with a man wouldn’t work, if you were interested in a real relationship. Even though you KNOW it wouldn’t work in a logical sense.

Let’s try this…

I want you to stop thinking of flirting and creating ATTRACTION with a man like a physical or psychological “game”. And I want you to start thinking of it more like cooking a great dish. Most chefs, who know what they’re doing, use a few favorite ingredients and spices. Let’s say a chef wants to prepare a great dish for a special guest. To make the dish amazing, the chef isn’t going to just add a ton of their favorite thing. Too much of even the best ingredient will drown out the other flavors and ruin the entire dish. I want you to start thinking of flirting, physical contact and physical playfulness in the same way.

These things create “Physical Attraction” in a man.

Start thinking of Physical Attraction with a man as a SPICE you want to use… and not as the main ingredient. So, let’s land the plane…

Obviously you have a fantastic, fun, natural style for playfulness, touch, and physical contact. Being this way couldn’t be a bigger asset when it comes to ATTRACTING a man on a physical level and starting the connection. It’s a great “spice” of yours. If you’ve NEVER had a problem in your relationships with men, then I don’t think you need to worry about your physical and playful nature one bit.

Don’t worry. Have fun. Let loose.


I take it you’re single right now. What else are you looking for other than having a great time with a man PHYSICALLY?

Have you ever run up against RESISTANCE with a man where he WITHDREW from you after you were together physically?

You’ve probably been physical, connected, and close with a man before. But, have you been this way with a man before and then things quickly started to change, just as you were about to get closer on an emotional level?

If so, it probably seemed like the guy got “scared off” all of a sudden. And maybe it was then that he said something like, “It’s not that it’s you… you’re great. I’m just not looking for something so serious right now.” And that was it… The End.

If this has happened to you, then it’s time you started becoming more CONSCIOUS of why just being physical and “free” with a man might not always lead to the relationship you want with a man. Is it my advice to “keep your hands to yourself” and to “act withdrawn, like a challenge”?


It’s obvious being energetic and playful can work with a man… at least at first when things are all about having fun. But maybe, just maybe, a man has a different experience when he starts becoming physically AND EMOTIONALLY “close” to a woman. For some men, when they become close with a woman on a physical level, everything is PERFECT. The connection he feels is great. He’ll laugh with her, enjoy being playful, and share affection, even in public. But then, as more emotions start to come into play, things subtly start to change.

And here’s where a few specific FEARS can start to show up that change a man’s entire perspective and the meaning he makes out of being with you and everything you say and do.

Do you think a man sees a woman’s affection and desire for intimacy in public and at home differently when he first meets her versus when he starts to think about what kind of partner he would want if he had a relationhip?

I’ll answer for you here.

Unless the guy is 100% CERTAIN that you’re “the one” and he wants a serious committed relationship from the moment he meets you… then the answer is that a man sees a woman’s affections differently at different times. If a man is at all UNCERTAIN about whether or not he wants to be with a woman and she is very affectionate, touchy, and playful with him all the time, even in public… then her actions are going to seem “needy”, desperate to win him over, and create an awkward feeling inside him.

Of course, some less desirables are also known to “play along” with affectionate women for the purposes of… you guessed it – sex. On the other hand, if a man has become CERTAIN that he wants to be with a woman and she is touchy, playful, and intimate with him, then she will seem all the more lovely and magical to be around. In other words, one action can have many different meanings… all depending on the mental and emotional state of the observer.

And here’s something to think about…

Our minds and bodies have an amazing ability to adjust to our environment and the things around us and make even the most intense things become “everyday” things. If you’ve ever had to spend time near a bad smell, or worked somewhere where there’s been loud noise, you know what I mean. Pain often works the same way too. Eventually your mind and body will find a way to adjust and help you forget about it. When you touch a man all the time, it can start to become a “regular” thing. By definition, the things that we get a lot of or experience often become “normal”.

Touch and affection with a man can work in a similar way. But, if you leave a man alone for even just a few minutes when you’re out somewhere and go do your own thing for a little while…

Maybe you go talk to a few other people… and then you come back around and share affection again… you’ll be amazed to see that the same affection can get a much different response from a man.

Ok, so you’re starting to become more aware of why being affectionate can have different meanings to a man at different times. But, there’s a whole other “angle” here I want you to see as well…

For most men, in order to become “serious” about dating and getting to know a woman, they need to know that the woman they’re going to choose is worth their “effort”.

In the context of a serious, long term relationship, a man’s “effort” might mean spending the time, energy and taking the risk of approaching and courting a woman. And there’s the social, emotional and financial cost of “courting” a woman.

In a man’s mind, even if he isn’t fully conscious of these things, or given the fact that men and women are more of equals on these levels than they have ever been… it’s part of a man’s “wiring” for all these things to affect his mind just at the thought of a serious relationship with a woman.

Why am I telling you all of this?

Because one of the quickest ways that a man determines if a woman is worth his “effort” is by WHAT SHE TELLS HIM she’s worth. Of course, a woman can’t just tell a man that she’s worth his “effort” by telling him in words. Just like a man can’t walk up to you and say, “I’m great boyfriend material”.

So as with most other things in the “courtship process”… these things happen through indirect signals in a woman’s actions, body language, and of course… with her looks. (Looks happen to be an indicator of fertility to men on a deep subconscious level which lets them know that their “efforts” will be more easily rewarded with a healthy child.)

Don’t get freaked out just yet since we’re going into some of the “biology” here.

Stick with me. So what’s one of the strongest indirect indicators of woman who is worth a man’s “effort”?

Well, think it through.

Men have come to recognize that women who are worth their effort are RARE. And accordingly, men compete for these women. All this gives these women a kind of high social status. And it’s this high social status that allows a woman to be SELECTIVE about the men they choose to be with.

Follow me?


Then you recognize that SELECTIVITY is one of the strongest indicators to a man that a woman is worth his “effort” (the kind of woman that he wants to have a real relationship with). So what does this have to do with being affectionate often with a man… and not being a “challenge” as you called it?

When a man is around a woman who seems to share her love and affection very easily, on a SUBCONSCIOUS level, a man doesn’t see this woman as very “special” or valuable. You might be thinking right now, “I just want to be able to be playful and affectionate and not worry about all this other crap”.

Hey, I get it.

Truth be told… men feel the exact same way about meeting, approaching, dating and being in long term relationships with women. So why is something that could be so simple like love, affection, and connection seem to always get so complex. Well, a lot of what’s going on between men and women is “encoded” in a kind of unspoken language that isn’t visible to the naked eye.

If you don’t know what to look for, you’re likely to never knoq what’s really going on underneath the surface.

A lot of what I’ve shared here is what is happening on an SUBCONSCIOUS level in a man’s mind. In other words, a man isn’t going to tell you all of these things if you ask him. A man does not have these answers about himself for you… and he can’t help you.

A man is NOT going to say to you:

“I like to feel masculine and manly… and it feeds my self-esteem… so could you please let me court you and and resist a little bit and keep me guessing so I can feel like I “win” you…that way it will help me see that I’m special and lucky and significant as a man, and let me appreciate that I’m the one guy who gets to be with you.”

Of course, if you asked a man about this, he’d probably deny it and say that he likes a woman to be fun, easy, and laid back.

If you’re ready to take your AWARENESS and KNOWLEDGE to the next level when it comes to men, communication, and UNDERSTANDING the powerful SUBCONSCIOUS triggers and mechanisms at work in men while dating and in relationships, then I suggest you do yourself a favor.

Don’t wait for a man to come along who has enough of the answers figured out to make a relationship easy for you. In fact, you might have already met the right guy, but you just didn’t know how to make it work between you.

What if it really didn’t work out because of bad timing?

What if there was something that you’re just not “getting” about men, dating, and relationships?

It’s time you took control of your life and gave yourself the CERTAINTY that comes from KNOWING what you need to create the kind of connection with a man that is going to keep you both happy and together.

Don’t let what you don’t yet know and could quickly learn keep you from having the amazing relationship that’s out there for you.

Your Friend,
Christian Carter

Christian Carter is a leading advisor to women on dating, relationships, connection and love. An expert in psychology, communication and behavior, Christian Carter has developed foundational concepts that help women understand men, dating and relationships. Visit Christian's official website, by clicking here.


  1. Marilene Goncalves says:

    Hidden due to low comment rating. Click here to see.

    Some Didn\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\'t Like This Comment! Like or Dislike: Thumb up 0 Thumb down 3

  2. T says:

    I just read your article, “Why Affection Can Make A Man ‘Pull Away’”. It was really good. I learned alot.

    One part, however, disturbed me: “A man is NOT going to say to you:

    “I like to feel masculine and manly… and it feeds my self-esteem… so could you please let me court you and and resist a little bit and keep me guessing so I can feel like I “win” you…that way it will help me see that I’m special and lucky and significant as a man, and let me appreciate that I’m the one guy who gets to be with you.”

    I am disturbed bc I am dating this guy who is shy. Because of his extreme shyness, I am pretty much the second girl he has really ever dealt with and the first in other ways, if you know what I mean. He is in his early 30s. So, I did the initiating. I initiated the friendship. I didnt initiate the intimacy. I let him do that.

    So my question, what’s the advice for when dealing with a shy guy? It is 3 years later and we are still together so everything is good, but I do still have that thing in the back of my head that I sought after him, which bothers me bc our society says the man should do the seeking.

    Like or Dislike This Comment? Thumb up 0 Thumb down 0

  3. Anya Loban says:

    very nice website, enjoy the way you write, you definitely do hold a flair for writing, will be viewing this website quite often

    Like or Dislike This Comment? Thumb up 0 Thumb down 0

  4. Miranda says:

    So what Christian is saying is love is a game, after all. And a woman’s trump card to trick a guy into thinking she’s valuable is withholding affection. No wonder there’s so many sexless marriages and sky-high divorce rates! We’re being told rubbish.

    People Liked This Comment! Like or Dislike: Thumb up 9 Thumb down 2

Leave a Comment

You must be logged in to post a comment.