What If He’s Afraid Of A Relationship?

Written by Christian Carter |  No Comment

I purchased your e-book last night and have been reading it. Wow! But I admit I skipped to some parts to get to others that I thought I needed to read first…and now I’m going back to read the entire thing. I wanted to share something with you first that struck me.

I have made the mistake of admitting to a friend that I have feelings for him – more than a friendship. We have been intimate with each other about 3 times. Everything was fine until I mentioned my feelings to him. I wasn’t asking him for a relationship…but he took it that way. I have since then been pouring my heart out to him and pretty much looking insane.

Is there any way to save it? I know he has feelings for me.

Please help…and tell me how to reverse the damage I have done.

Thanks so much

T.

WAKE UP GIRL!

I’ve got to slap some sense into you for your own good.

I’m going to skip some critical stuff here because you’ve got my book.

And I’ve got some new ideas for you too…

There’s an important scientific word I want you to learn and remember:

“Duh”

You OBVIOUSLY have real feelings for him – you’re sleeping with him!

And I’m willing to bet you had these feelings all along, but you just weren’t completely up front about them.

Your situation is possibly the WORST kind of uphill battle a woman can have with a man early on.

It’s a BIG NO-NO.

Actually, it’s THE big NO-NO in the early dating stage…

Using purely “physical attraction” to start a potential relationship.

Now, you can go from a committed and deep relationship to something “casual” or physical.

And for most men, that’s relatively easy.

But, it is almost impossible to go from the “friends-with-benefits” situation to a deep, fulfilling, intimate and lasting situation.

If you know what I’m talking about here say, “Amen!”

I know this first hand.

From my own love life and from lots of men and women I’ve known in my life.

So… rarely do I give rules, but here’s an absolute RULE when it comes to men -

DON’T EVER try and start things with a man at a casual and purely physical level if you EVER want the option for something more meaningful or long term.

Men don’t work this way, like it or not.

And don’t try to get a man BACK with physical attraction and sex either.

It’s a dead end street.

OK… here’s the first thing you need to do.

Go read my book again – and this time finish it.

Then read it 2 more times.

(Just buying it won’t help you.)

The worst part of this is that you’re smart and you know better – I can tell.

But, I guess you’re a glutton for punishment.

And I can’t see why you’re surprised with how frustrating your situation is…

Because YOU helped create it with your own choices.

But, you’re still not getting it, so I’m going to give you a crash course in the kind of dating that leads to love and happiness that you need.

Ready?

Here we go…

1. KNOW YOURSELF AND WHAT YOU’RE AFTER

You said, “I have made the mistake of admitting to a friend that I have feelings for him.”

It’s NOT a mistake to share your feelings with a man.

It IS a mistake to share your feelings with a man too early and in a negative context.

And, you made both of these mistakes, therefore, setting yourself up for failure.

How?

By choosing and “tolerating” a situation that just doesn’t work for you.

INSTANTLY you become the nay-sayer and antagonist for the story you chose to live out and the role you signed up for.

At least that’s the way your guy probably sees it.

One minute you’re blissfully happy in his embrace and then a day or two later your feelings of content have turned to fear and desperation…

All because of a “talk” you wanted to have with him.

Yeah, I’m riding you a bit hard here, but it’s for your own good.

Instead of being open with yourself about what YOU are truly after, you pursued some kind of “friends with benefits” strategy to get things moving.

I don’t believe that this kind of relationship came about because of any part of who you really are.

That’s why you’re freaking out.

You thought you could handle it.

You thought you’d get something out of it.

And for a minute, it was fun.

But then your feelings snuck up on you.

Eventually you were reminded of what you’re really after with a man and what you value.

Right now you have two pictures in your mind:

One picture is of this “casual” thing going on.

And the other one is what you actually want.

The two pictures are so radically different and far apart from each other, that it’s no wonder you’re acting “insane”.

Your expectations are COMPLETELY out of line for what you’re ACTUALLY doing with this guy.

It’s time to stop creating situations in your life that you KNOW won’t make you happy or comfortable – even if they feel good in the moment.

2. FIND YOUR PERSONAL STANDARDS & REQUIREMENTS… AND THEN STICK TO THEM

Starting things with a man in this “casual sex” way, is a SURE FIRE way to ruin your odds of creating something more meaningful in the future.

I’m a guy.

I know.

But, more importantly, getting into a “casual” situation with a man you might want to date, has a
VERY HIGH potential to make you FEEL AWFUL.

So…

Unless you’re one out of a hundred thousand women that gets “swept off her feet” by an open, caring, great communicator, who makes moving into a committed relationship effortless… then you’re going to have to start asking yourself some questions about what you really want from your love life.

And, find some answers…

And then… oh my god… actually be honest about them from the start.

Here’s an important question to ask:

WHAT ARE YOUR NEEDS?

And I do mean YOUR needs.

Not what you’re accepting or tolerating or hoping to get from a man just because there’s nothing better around right now.

Be clear here and think it through.

I’ll give you a minute…

Most women I know who are casually dating, have a set of subconscious requirements that have to be met for them to be able to enjoy the process of dating.

But, they rarely recognize these requirements, or communicate them in an appealing way to a man, that also speaks to his needs.

So, they end up in a situation that is anything but what they were looking for.

Here are a few of these “must haves” that women often aren’t honest about at the start:

- That any man they’re involved with, in any way, isn’t dating or still involved with another woman

- That he’s open and ready to explore a serious relationship once they get to know each other

- That he share some the same values and priorities in his life that she does – or can at least appreciate and support her values

Here’s an example of “stereotypical” female values in order of priority:

Love -> Trust -> Intimacy -> Connection

And, here’s one example of “stereotypical” male values in order of priority:

Financial Success-> Adventure-> Freedom

See any area for conflict and confusion about what’s important if these two people got together?

Interesting…

So, how in touch are you with your REQUIREMENTS to feel good when it comes to men and dating?

And, how do you communicate these to a man?

Do you do it indirectly through frustration and anger when your requirements aren’t being met?

And do it AFTER THE FACT?

Or do you do it directly and in a positive context as things are getting started, so you’re in sync from the get-go?

Think about it for a second…

I’ll give you more time because this one’s important…

Remember, 99% of the time, a man is NOT going to make the right decisions for you.

And he won’t be able to magically recognize and meet all of your needs or values.

Sticking to your standards helps you show a man how happiness works for you.

3. RADICALLY REJECT BEHAVIOR THAT DOESN’T MEET YOUR STANDARDS

After observing and studying how our minds work, I recognized something FASCINATING a few years back.

When we’re in a negative situation with someone in our life, we’re there because we’re getting something out of it behind the scenes.

Here’s what you’re getting out of the “casual” thing…

You get a safe and risk free path to get close to this guy.

Even though you’re not close at all.

Also known as “working it from the ‘friend zone’”.

So, for you, to get your needs met by getting close and intimate in a way that seems, at first, to be REJECTION or ABANDONMENT FREE for you.

After all, how vulnerable would you be if you shared what you REALLY were looking for up front?

Then you might end up feeling disappointment or loss.

Or be unable to continue the “friendship” that you have right now.

And maybe having to start over alone might actually be worse in your mind than having something crappy that you’re “tolerating” and fighting with a man about.

If you look deeper, you’ll probably see that your desire for something more was there all along underneath the surface.

But, you didn’t want to share it for fear of scaring him off or getting hurt.

This may sound harsh, but you’ve got to be clear and direct with a man if what he’s doing is not up to par with where you need your partner to be.

You have to show a man what a woman wants and needs because he probably wasn’t born knowing it like you were.

And, do it in a way that rejects the BEHAVIOR, not him personally.

My favorite way of thinking about how to do this, is to be like a “velvet hammer”.

Strong and assertive, but warm and gentle at the same time.

The funny thing is, that as tough and as “bitchy” or self-centered doing this might sound right now, most men respond MAGICALLY to a woman who does this in the right way.

Why?

Because it sends a strong SUBCONSCIOUS signal to a man that the woman is in CONTROL of her life and her world.

There’s nothing that triggers more intense “long term” attraction in a healthy and mature man, than a woman who he CAN’T control and doesn’t get thrown off center when her needs aren’t met.

Using the “velvet hammer” also has another AMAZING benefit that women don’t often recognize… or they don’t even see as a benefit at first.

It WEEDS OUT the guys who DO need to go away because they’re never going to get their act together in the first place, or just don’t want to.

A large percentage of the time, the man will stop communicating or go away for a short while.

But here’s the best part…

With the “good guys” that you probably WANT to be with long-term, something FASCINATING happens…

They come back around.

And even better, they’ve done all the leg work themselves to be a better partner… in a way the woman could have never fixed or convinced him to do, no matter how hard she tried.

4. FIND AND USE WHAT CREATES DEEPER ATTRACTION AND CONNECTION WITH MEN

Ever hear of “approval seeking” behavior?

It’s when we try to do and say things simply to get a positive reaction or judgment about ourselves from someone else.

Well, it’s a HUGE MISTAKE to make with a man early on.

Your need for your guy’s APPROVAL is your worst enemy right now.

To him, what you’re doing is actually the complete OPPOSITE OF ATTRACTIVE.

I’ll give you an example…

Have you ever seen what it looks like when a man is shamelessly seeking the approval of a woman?

As he’s just getting to know her and he sees that she hasn’t completely made up her mind to want to be with him, what does he do?

He buys her gifts.

He calls her all the time.

He offers to do favors and errands for her.

All these are attempts to prove to her that he’s good enough to be with her or to get her attention.

This is also known as the “really nice guy” approach.

Women just never seem to quite “feel it” for the super nice guy.

Of course, some women disagree and like to tell me that they really like nice guys.

Here’s my take…

A guy can already be attractive AND do nice things.

Agreed?… You CAN be attractive AND do nice things.

But doing nice things DOES NOT make a man more attractive.

If a woman wasn’t really “feeling it” before, no amount of nice guy behavior will win her heart over.

It just doesn’t work that way.

With me here?

Instead of making her feel attracted to him, what is actually happening inside a lot of women when a man is taking on the “nice guy” strategy?

Somewhere deep down she starts to lose RESPECT for him because she knows she can CONTROL him.

The woman doesn’t consciously choose to experience this, but it’s how she FEELS.

And feelings are the most powerful things we have to drive our beliefs and desires.

Ever stop to think that the same thing might work in reverse between a woman’s behavior and a man’s?

Interesting…

I’ve got a FASCINATING question for you.

Guess what one of the most common, central, human experiences is that we all feel when it comes to LOVE?

Give up?

It’s a LOSS OF CONTROL.

If you don’t know what I’m talking about, think about a love you’ve had in the past, or friends you know who have been head over heels in love.

Or pick up a book on the physiological and psychological effects of love on our minds and bodies.

There have been lots of great studies.

Crazy stuff.

Anyway, our minds work obsessively on thoughts about the other person when we’re in love.

We think and plan to do all kinds of things for our lover.

Part of why we do this is to try and find the best way to get or share love back from the other person.

Some of this is beautiful and positive, but not all of it.

Some of what we do is to think up ways to try and CONTROL the other person, so they won’t ever leave or take the love we’re feeling away.

The classic adolescent example of this is when a girl wants to break up with a guy, and the guy falsely threatens to kill himself if she leaves.

I’m not making light of that horrible situation, but it’s a good example.

Nod your head if you know what I’m talking about and you get where I’m going with this.

What I’m doing here is showing you the subtle connection between LOVE and the LOSS OF CONTROL experience.

Now, let’s tie it back to approval seeking behavior…

How does approval seeking effect LOVE?

And, what does it have to do with CONTROL?

For men, approval seeking behavior KILLS the spark that comes from the uncertainty of not knowing exactly how the women he’s with is going to think and act.

What does a man have to think and wonder about if he’s got complete certainty about everything a woman’s going to do?

Do you think a man feels intense desire, love and respect for a woman he can completely control?

Or when her behavior is totally predictable?

And what if she starts acting predictably NEGATIVE?

Think about it…

It’s this “natural tension” and challenge of not having CONTROL and uncertainty that creates strong ATTRACTION in men.

HERE’S WHAT TO DO ABOUT IT

What most women ask in situations when a man isn’t responding the way they want him to is…

“WHY is he acting this way and how do I make sense of it and “fix” it?”

Well, you can’t “fix” a man.

And I really feel for you if you’re one of those women who are trying.

But, you CAN change a situation and the FEELINGS that a man is having for you.

You can change his EXPERIENCE with you.

The toughest and most important thing to understand is that mens behavior and thinking in these situations aren’t at all LOGICAL.

In other words, how a man reacts doesn’t make ANY “sense” and doesn’t follow any rhyme or reason.

So, of course, it baffles and frustrates women when they run it through their own “sense making filters”.

Let me ask you a question…

If you were an attractive man, would you want to find a woman that you had to TEACH how to make you attracted and feel good… or would you want a woman who just “got it” on her own… “naturally” and everything flowed?

Duh. (there’s that scientific word again)

You’d want the woman who already “got it”.

So, more likely than a conspiracy against women, men just naturally respond to women who GET IT, and DON’T respond to women who DON’T.

OK, let’s talk about these concepts a little bit more.

Attraction, and wanting to be with a woman, is about a man perceiving that he and a woman are “naturally compatible” because his emotional and physical sparks fly when he’s around her.

NOTE: I did NOT use the word “logical” here.

Attraction and wanting to be with a woman long term is NOT the result of a man meeting a woman and then thinking to himself:

“Let’s see…she’s got a good job, works hard, and is a really good person… Hmmm, I think that we have some natural attraction going on here.”

WRONG.

For a man, attraction and the desire to be with a woman, and stay with her, is either THERE or it ISN’T.

There are no two ways about it.

If it isn’t, he’s not FEELING it.

Unfortunately, most women think:

“Well, if things aren’t going great, it must be because he doesn’t know something that I know, or feel something I feel. I think I’ll explain to him logically from my point of view how he needs to feel like I do… and then he’ll get it and know how and why we should love each other.”

Thanks and best of luck in life and love!

Your Friend,

Christian Carter

Categories : Understanding Men

Christian Carter is a leading advisor to women on dating, relationships, connection and love. An expert in psychology, communication and behavior, Christian Carter has developed foundational concepts that help women understand men, dating and relationships. Visit Christian's official website, by clicking here.

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