5 Steps To A Deeper Connection With A Man

Written by Christian Carter |  12 Comments
Deep Connection With Men In Dating

Want to know a secret about men?

Later in this email I share a “secret” formula for communicating with a man in a way that will draw him out of that defensive and disconnected shell, and instead create a deeply connected long-term attraction between you both.

Learning about it could mean the difference between a guy withdrawing from you and never getting close, or creating that lasting and fulfilling attraction and love that last a lifetime.

Here’s the thing…

I realized something this week that gave me goosebumps – in that wierd kind of good and bad way.

It’s that men who pay attention and think about the FEELINGS and EMOTIONS they have, why they have them, what they mean and how to share them are RARE. And it’s even more unique and special for a man to pay attention to his feelings and emotions inside a relationship with women AND to talk openly about them. I know this might sound simple and obvious to you as a woman since you’ve probably been around the block with men like this before, but it’s still unfortunately very true.

Here’s why this is important and what I really want to talk to you about. Let me ask you a simple question…

Why can’t men talk about their feelings?

It’s like they’re helpless morons when it comes to knowing and sharing how they feel.

But mix in a woman and her more natural awareness and ability/desire to communicate about these things and it’s the perfect storm that can make a man withdraw, close off or worse.

So why do men react so weird when you want to talk about things like feelings, emotions, meanings, relationships, commitment, etc?

Why is it that an “emotional connection” for a man can be like kryptonite to Superman?

The answer is pretty fascinating. Here’s how I see it.

Have you ever asked a man how he feels about you or your situation? What happens next?

Exactly – he starts acting all freaked out and turns into a deer in headlights. Or even worse, he starts getting angry and frustrated and turns the conversation back on you with unrelated problems or issues. Ahhh… spitefulness and contempt.

What’s going on here?

Well, you’ve run into the BRICK WALL guys have with relationships and communication. And guess what?

It’s YOUR fault. Yep. It’s all you. I’m not letting you shift the blame to someone else for what matters most to you in your life.


Because it’s in your best interest.

As one of my more psychologically enlightened friends like to say:

“Don’t go to victim.”

If you repeatedly discover that someone you’re close to in your life can’t communicate the way you’d like them to, you’ve got 2 choices:

Stop communicating with that person, because you don’t want to try and take on the “project” of getting them to change. I think of this way as working towards ISOLATION in your life.

Provide a solution or alternative. Here you modify the way YOU communicate to start to lead and guide them towards communicating with you the way you want them to. I think of this second way as working towards INTIMACY in your life.

So what’s your choice?

Remember, you have the power to CHOOSE. So are you one of those women that doesn’t make a conscious choice to do something about how she’s wants to effect change in her love life and her communication/sharing with a man.

And you continue to bang your head against the man’s “emotional brick wall”? Then shame on you, because it’s your choice. You’ve probably heard it before, and I don’t like using tired old sayings, but this one is worth repeating:

Wrong me once, shame on you.

Wrong me twice, shame on me.

But lots of women are wronged over and over in relationships until they’ve become convinced that men are idiots and that things can’t ever be different or better. Quit it for cryin out loud! Yes, men are often idiots with feelings, emotions and communication “stuff”.

But you know that. Deal with it and recognize that now it’s your choice and up to you. You can try the same things that haven’t been working… Or you can start learning and eventually provide your own “bridges” and solutions for yourself to a more intimate connection with a man.

Trust me, there’s a better way. But you’ll never figure things out by trying to do things that simply “make sense”. Planning and approaching complex situations in your life just by what “makes sense” is not only naive, it’s honestly pretty stupid. Even the smartest people around who run schools, businesses, foundations, etc. have a team of smart advisors they listen to. They rely on these advisors for outside perspectives – all so that they don’t just act on their own quick instincts, but take a more “integrated” approach. And it makes their decisions MUCH more likely to work and be successful.

That’s why these people go to school, college, and training.

They study and read, and THEN they go out and make a go of it with everything they’ve learned.

So how much thinking, planning, reading and learning have you done around your communication with others (and more specifically, with men)?

Maybe you picked up the latest best-seller by some publishers daughter on something like how swans mate and are monogamous and you and your guy can be beautiful and happy like swans in love too….

Hey, not a bad idea. Maybe I’ll write a book about that. Not!

Are you going to keep banging your head against the emotional brick wall?

Or are you looking to learn?

Good, then let’s get started.


Did you know that men have a kind of “SECRET BUTTON” you can push that will make communicating with them almost effortless.

And if you learn what it is and how to use it you’ll be able to get to what he really thinks and feels.

So let me take you through a situation I guarantee you’ve either been in before or you’ll be in with a man….


That means pay attention because this is one of those “universal situations” that can mean priceless knowledge for you. Let’s say your talking with a man you’re interested in and you want to take things to “the next level” but you don’t know how. And you’ve been waiting on him to talk to you or express his interest or love for a while. But he hasn’t done that, and you get a little disappointed and frustrated with things.

You’ve tried being patient and talking with your friends but you’ve got to know how he feels and you need things to move forward.

So what do you do?

Well, most women build up everything they’re thinking inside until they have to let it out in one big emotional release. And guess what men see when this happens?

No, they don’t see how much you care or love them and how amazing it is that you want to be with them. Somehow instead of seeing the good and the positive intentions you have, they see intense negative emotions that they can’t understand. And men get scared of emotions that are really intense or that they don’t understand.

Most of all, they just aren’t used to them. So when you share your feelings and want to know his feelings for you, he freaks out. He either becomes the “deer-in-headlights” guy or the “angry-frustrated-scared” guy. Most women do what makes sense in this situation – they push and encourage the man to talk, to get in touch with his feelings and to share HER feelings.

But men don’t see it as positive encouragement. They see it as you being “over-emotional” and pushy about the issue. (Yeah, I know… Men are freakish emotional creatures!)

When you resist or react negatively in any conversation, everything becomes more difficult. And the WORST mistakes you can make here with a man I call the 4 Deadly Sins:

-Assuming – that he knows what you want or expect
-Begging – for him to “give you” what you want
-Convincing – trying to make him feel the way you do
-Bullying – bullying him into your way of thinking or feeling.

You will never have any long term success with a man if you keep doing these.

You’ll be beating yourself against the “BRICK WALL”.

So what’s the “SECRET BUTTON”?

Well, remember that there’s a catch to all improvements in your life, right?

So the same goes for this button thing.

You’ve got to make it happen by changing YOUR communication first in order to push his communication button.

It’s up to you to get a man’s fears and defenses out of the way so you can get to the bottom of things.

And getting past the masks men can wear with women out of fear is the essence of “pushing the button”.

Here’s the 5 basic steps I’ve recognized that you can use to push his “secret button”.

I’ve given some brief explanations and examples or specifics along with to give you a general idea of what these are.

But I can’t into all the details here in a short newsletter. Like anything that can have a lasting positive effect on a person, it’s a process, not a short trick.

So Here’s His “Secret Communication Button”:

Step 1) The Primer

This is the “starter” for the conversation that will build an entirely positive context – and it might seem like something you could skip, but it’s actually the most important step. To do this, you might do something like starting off talking with positive comments about the time you’ve been spending together and some of the great times you’ve had. The idea is ALL about setting the right context so a guy becomes positive, comfortable and opens up.

And I’m sure you know how guys get when you start talking about issues, problems, intense emotions, etc…Men become babies and shut down. Don’t make that happen here, it’s too important. Even if you’re having a tough time because he’s done something to hurt you lately, you’re interested in him for a reason, so try to remember those things.

You can’t drive this conversation with all the “negative” things – it will never work that way.

Not with men, not with anybody.

Step 2) Casual Introduction

This is the first step into “where things are going”. But instead of springing “the talk” on him like most women can’t help but do, keep talking about positives, the good things, the things you want to continue that are WORKING. If you don’t have too many of these things, think harder. You’re interested in a future with this guy for some reason, right? But don’t just compliment him. Make sure it’s about BOTH of you, and how you are together, not just about him.

You’re goal here in this step is to get HIM to think and start communicating about the relationship and the good things ahead in the future.

You’re helping him build the bridge.

*Important Word of Caution Here….

If you can’t come up with too much positive stuff that you’ve done recently or that you’ve both enjoyed, you might want to think about that and the timing of your “talk”.

Is this the right time and the right place?

Maybe you already know something about the guy and “where things are at”, but you aren’t acknowledging it to yourself. Remember that you’re not here to try and “convince” a man to want of feel something. That’s a losing battle with almost certain failure and heartbreak ahead for you. Make sure you’ve thought things all the way through about what YOU want and if he’ll really make you happy, or if you’re wanting to change him somehow with this talk.

Trying to change or convince in ANY form is NOT a part of this conversation.

If you find yourself doing either, step back, relax and think smart and positive. Stay focused on the REALITY of the situation, not what you want it to be. Think about the positive nature of the ideal relationship you’re looking for and speak from that place and feeling.

Step 3) Applying With Positive Strokes

So now you’re tuning into each other a bit in the conversation and sharing thoughts about the good things you have together.

Then tell him, “Hey, you know what’s great? I bet you and I see things differently, which is OK, but I love spending time with you and we have such a great time together”.

Again, you’re getting into a conversation about relationships that will eventually turn to your situation, but you’re doing it in a way that doesn’t trigger any resistance or fear from the man and this is what you’re aiming for.

Step 4) Non-situational Honesty

Tell him, “You know, I’ve known for a long time that I want a relationship that [explain your ideals about what would make a great relationship for you here]”

Of course it’s up to you to talk about the ideal relationship you want. But there’s a HUGE mistake you need to avoid in this step. Do NOT start talking about how what you have now isn’t what you want or that you NEED to have this ideal relationship with him right now. And doing this might seem like just another thing not to do, but if you make this mistake it will change the ENTIRE nature and context of the conversation – and odds are the guy will change his mood and how open he is to share and listen in half a second flat.

Step 5) Active Listening

Active listening isn’t an idea I came up with. There’s all kinds of great ideas and books on it out there. But what’s it’s really about is tuning into the OTHER PERSON you’re talking to, making them feel heard, and actually LISTENING to the things they’re saying and reading what THEIR emotions and feelings are.

Luckily, I don’t have to teach you much about this since you’re a woman.

It’s the guys we have to worry about here.

But the reality is that the more you listen, the more you’ll be heard. And if you don’t believe me, start trying it with your friends and family.

Once someone gets things off their chest, they’re 50 times more open and available to listen and care about what’s going on with you.

But sometimes it’s tough – you have to be the bigger person and listen first, not be heard first.

If you follow these steps, it will blow a man away.

AND even better….

it will create massive ATTRACTION!

Yeah, imagine that.

By talking about serious relationship “stuff” you won’t scare a guy off.

No, you’ll actually make his attraction for you STRONGER.


Well, men secretly wish that they had women that they felt completely open and comfortable with.

As hard as it might be to believe, they actually like sharing their feelings, thoughts and desires on subjects they usually have a hard time with.

It feels REALLY good to talk about things, especially if they’ve been bottled up!

I bet you’ve felt that too.

When you push the button for a man, he experiences a kind of open and honest communication “release”.

And the more intense the topic or issue is, the more amazing and “freeing” the experience is.

For men, there’s nothing tougher and more foreign than getting really in touch with their emotions and sharing them with someone.

When you’re then one to do this, men almost can’t believe it…

They instantly see you as someone unique, rare and “cool”.

When you can talk about tough issues in a way that makes them easy and fun AND you have the right amount of positivity and “detachment” from the outcome, it makes men EXTREMELY attracted to you.

AND it has the even more elusive and magical benefit of making a man more interested in the future with you.

I call this more “long term” kind of attraction that’s created when you do these things with a man “Intellectual Attraction”.

Your Friend,
Christian Carter

Categories : Understanding Men

Christian Carter is a leading advisor to women on dating, relationships, connection and love. An expert in psychology, communication and behavior, Christian Carter has developed foundational concepts that help women understand men, dating and relationships. Visit Christian's official website, by clicking here.


  1. Locs says:

    I think that Christian touched on some great techniques that work both for men and women. as a man, i would enjoy a relationship with womann in whom I can be vulnerable and sincere with my feelings maturely, without her thinking that I am a wuss. in order for a man to even come to that level or revelation with a woman, there must be an undying trust and extreme comfort level, otherwise the man will be masking his feelings with less substantial words. A tip to ladies: to get a man to open up his feelings, participate in an shared activity with him: video games, flag football, pool, and/or fitness. There, when a man is relaxed, will he be at ease when revealing his past and his opinions and feelings

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  2. lizi says:

    ive been with my fiancee for 4years, we have a 2 year old, and i am a very affectionate person, who always thinks about his needs and feel that by showing my affection i remind him of my commitment to him and only him, however, although i know he loves me very much, he just isnt affectionate or thoughtful, at all. in this day in age, men kiss their other halves, hug them, or possess a certain amount of empathy. his child like approach to life makes it hard to see me as his woman, or something of his to treasure, any suggestions, as i feel i am going round in circles, he knows he needs to change, but he just doesnt.

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  3. Varisa says:

    Will you ever come to Christchurch, New Zealand? I would really appreciate a one-on-one focus on my relationship development.

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  4. Blandine Hosker says:

    I need a word of advice. I have now read your commitment book and am now about to speak to my boyfriend, who after 17 months, still has not mentioned anything but tells me he loves me 3 times a day, etc. So I am thinking of applying your above “way of speaking”. When I have set up the positive context and I am starting to talk about the way I see my ideal relationship, should I start mentioning how I see marriage as an important thing to me or is it better to say something like:

    “I see a loving relationship as togetherness rather than separateness and for me deeper love means a deeper commitment than just living together (not mentioning the M word). I feel I need to make things clear as, so far, I got the vibres of anything else than “marriage” from him.

    I will also be reading your attraction book soon, but at this stage need a little bit of advice. Can you help?

    Thank you

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  5. Tori says:

    I am confused about a situation right now too. I have been seeing a guy for 4 months. I am separated from my husband and filing for divorce. The guy I am seeing was living with his girlfriend and her kids, but came home one day to an empty house. He assures me that he does not love his ex-girlfriend, but misses her kids a lot. Right now he is looking for a different job.
    He told me that he can not fall in love with me right now until he gets his life in order (finding a different job). He then said that needs time. He was very attentive for months, but now calls less frequently. I am not sure how to respond – do I continue seeing him, tell him I am going to date other people, stop seeing him altogether?


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  6. Jewels says:

    Thank you so much for this advice! I purchased the ebook and have been putting it to practice with positive results…my situation, I have been with my boyfriend for 18 months..he was getting distant, but after reading the book I realized that while I am not at all a needy person, I was coming off as one.. I stopped calling, stopped questioning things he said, stopped stressing about the relaitonshoip and focused on me.. Literally within 3 days he was back to calling me 3 times per day!………I am working and practicing on what I say when I want to talk about our relationship…. my problem is that he has not told me he loves me, and when I questioned him months ago …before reading the book.. it all backfired. He said he was “slow to boil” and hadnt developed those feelings yet. I stepped back a few months ago and am giving him time, although I know that I deserve to be in a relationship where I know that I am loved… I am working on my primers, my casual introduction ( and active listening) so that I can have this conversation without accusing or demanding. Although I will be sad, I am prepared to walk away, because after all I do deserve what I want, and am not going to stay in the relationship if its not meeting my needs! Any advice would be helpful

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  7. FreeDating says:

    Hi Tori,
    You have to follow your heart….if you still have feelings for him or not. Is he going to move out from the house or continues to live in the house with his ex?

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  8. jenna says:

    i was with my boyfriend for 2 months and out of the blue he told me we should just be friends and that he wants to focus on his career and that he doesnt want to be tied down. i contacted him straight away after the break up asking him if there was any way that he was going to get back with me. he said he doesnt reckon so. i dnt know what to do, i havent contacted him ever since its only a week, what shall i do?
    thanks jenna

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  9. Karen says:

    Ive been with a guy for 9 yrs on & off. One day he tells me all about having a family and to have 1 kid and travel. And, his the type of a guy that hides from you when he knows that your so into him. We decided to talk about it ok in 2 weeks time. Then 2 weeks time came and hide and just receive a text and says Sorry I got scared. never talk to him for 1 week then we are back together again. What I should do?

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  10. Cheryl says:

    Dear Karen , That man sounds very envasive , after such a long courtship it may be time to ask youself what you want from him and whether he can provide it , I had a on-off affair with a guy for 5 years at the end I discovered nothing was going make him want a future with me , I left and have now meet and living with a great guy .

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  11. Bea says:

    Thank you Christian Carter. I’ve only read your emails, but honestly, they have helped me snap back into place. They have coached me into SEEKING TO UNDERSTAND, changing my approach to relating to my man, and helping me to let go of the belief that I need to convince someone to love or spend time with me. It’s taken me a LONG time, a divorce, and some embarrassing outbursts to realize that “talking” when I’m feeling insecure and haven’t really thought it through wasn’t going to fix anything, but instead prove to be disastrous. I’m still learning, and have those negative thoughts pop in, but now I know that I don’t HAVE to react to them.

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  12. Paula says:

    Hey this was VERY interesting and useful! If I understood well, men feel atracted when women show detachment and they can have a confident conversation with them? I’m making it too simple but I think that’s correct….
    (sorry for my bad english lol)

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