Approaching Men And Having Conversations

Written by Christian Carter |  No Comment
Approach and Having Conversations with Men

Is there a man in your life who you’re just “friends” with right now, but you’d like to get closer to? Or maybe you’re looking to meet a great guy but you just don’t know how to make it happen?

If you’re like lots of women I’ve met and talked with, then just the idea of telling a man how you feel can make your stomach turn with the fear that he won’t respond, that he’ll pull away, or that he’ll completely REJECT you. And besides, isn’t a man supposed to approach YOU and make things happen if he feels something for you too?

Well, there’s something important I want you to remember as a woman that will help make you successful in almost any “early” situation with a man… whether you’re just meeting, dating, or creating a deep level of ATTRACTION between you and him.

There is something I find FASCINATING that women often forget about men… That is, that MOST men are just plain nervous or scared when it comes to approaching attractive women, talking, and getting things started. I’ve seen it all my life. No matter where I go or with who, most of the men around me are scared stiff of approaching women. And sure, guys do their best to project confidence once they finally do build up the courage to talk to a woman… that’s part of the reason men often use some dumb “opener” or cutsie pick-up line that their friends told them works with women.

But trust me when I say that most men were born nervous and afraid to approach women they are interested in. You might not see it right now, but deep down men see women as the one’s with the “control” and the “power” when it comes to dating situations. Especially when it comes to meeting up and the “courtship” stage early on. But lots of women don’t really “get” this, or seem to forget it in the moment, when they meet a guy they’re interested in, and so they end up giving away some of the advantages that other women, who know what’s going on in these situations, naturally enjoy with men.

You’ve probably seen this with a girlfriend in your life, where she is always fun, cool, calm, and collected out in the world. At least until “HE” walks into the room. “He” is usually some guy a woman has seen, and maybe even talked to before, who she finds VERY ATTRACTIVE, but she doesn’t know how to go about moving forward and getting to know him and connect with him on a deeper level.)

So what does your girlfriend do when “He” shows up?

First off, she changes very quickly from the cool and socially intelligent woman you know, into a different woman who’s anxious, uncertain, and self-conscious.

And then, like most women do in this situation when they feel a deep level of “connection” and attraction for a man that they aren’t close with yet, she instantly assumes that the strong physical chemistry and emotional connection must be something that HE feels too.

And that’s when things start to go wrong…

She starts to compliment him endlessly -

“Wow, you must be really smart to know that.”

She laughs at everything he says (even when they’re not that funny) -

“Ha Ha! You are so funny!”

And she offers and tries to do “nice” things for him to show how much she really cares about him and how she wants to see him again -

“Oh, that’s too bad your car broke down. I have a car and I could drive across town to pick you up and give you a ride tomorrow!?”

If you’ve ever watched one of your girlfriends do this kind of thing with a guy they just met, or if you’ve ever done this yourself, then you probably already know the frustration that comes from being sweet, complimentary, and “real” with a man, and then having it get you NOWHERE.

Or worse, having it lead to REJECTION where the man isn’t interested in you at all.

And you might also add to that the pain of watching other women have MORE SUCCESS with men than you do, while they DON’T do the generous things you do, and they don’t have great conversations with men about real things in life, and they aren’t the good person you are.

So, what’s going on here?

Do men not like women who are “real”?

Why is it that being straightforward with a man doesn’t make him “feel it” for you?

And why is it that men play “games” when it comes to meeting, dating, and attraction?

Let me spell out a few common elements in play when it comes to men and dating:

1. Men don’t like women because they can be “nice”. Nice can be a “bonus”, kind of like toppings on a cake, but it’s not the nice, sweet, and genuine behavior that makes a man FEEL ATTRACTION for a woman.

2. When you try to get a man’s interest or attention by appealing to his personal interests like a good friend would, he not only won’t “feel it” for you, but he’ll actually lose interest in you when he sees you trying win his “approval”.

3. Attraction isn’t something that takes place on a logical or “rational” level. Casual conversation won’t create it. Instead, attraction is an EMOTION that has it’s own set of rules, and is something going on outside the everyday communication “channel” of words and meaning.

If you want to make a man notice you and experience the feelings of desire and attraction that will drive him to approach and “court” you, then you need to stop all the APPROVAL SEEKING behaviors, and start learning how to create an EMOTIONAL EXPERIENCE with him. .

But let’s keep learning…

I’d like to get back to the topic of “He”, the guy that women become intensely attracted to without having connected or talked much with, if at all.

There’s something fascinating I see happen when women experience this kind of instant attraction for a man that takes what could be a great relationship in the future and ruins it from the start.

When HE shows up, HE quickly becomes more of an IDEAL than the man he really is. And this is where women often go wrong in dating situations, and with getting into relationships with men they don’t truly see and understand for who they are.

Let me explain this by showing how men do the same thing with women… and do it in the worst way.

If a man feels a strong desire for a woman, then without even getting to know who she really is, he will dote on her, buy her inappropriate gifts he can barely afford, and treat her like she is God’s gift to the Earth.

Some of this is “cute”, and some of it can be temporarily appealing for a woman, but the truth is that none of this spoiling and appeasing is going to truly win a woman’s affection.

At least, not for long.

If a man was to come along who truly understood this woman for who she was, what she truly wanted, and could create and share the emotional experiences that made her feel closely connected and intimate, then it’s obvious who the woman would want to spend her time with – the man who gives her the intense emotional feelings of attraction and chemistry.

In other words, it’s the way a man makes a woman FEEL inside that makes all the difference. And not how he can compliment her or the gifts he can share.

Of course, lots of people try to argue that you can have great chemistry and attraction while you praise, compliment, etc., thinking this disproves the idea of ATTRACTION being something else that has nothing to do with acts of kindness, etc.

The reality is that you can compliment, you can praise, and you can shower someone with generosity if they already feel a deep level of attraction for you. (As long as you still do the OTHER THINGS that make them feel it for you.)

But the ATTRACTION and the EMOTIONS have to be there first.

Let me land the plane on this one…

It’s critical to remember that an attractive man who makes you feel the most amazing chemistry is still just like any other man when it comes to human behavior and how attraction works.

“He”, no matter how good looking, funny, successful, or brilliant he might be, he still has his own set of feelings, experiences, desires, fears, frustrations, etc. just like any other
person.

And just like an attractive woman, a man has to find a way to quickly know for CERTAIN when he meets you whether you are the kind of woman who will be a healthy addition to his life, or if you’re going to be “trouble” in his world.

So how does a man go about this?

Well, he doesn’t do it by simply asking a woman, “Hey, are you healthy and in a good place? Because I want to make sure that you’re going to bring mostly positive experiences and emotions to my life?”

Not even close.

Instead, a man is looking for direct and indirect signals to tell him what he needs to know about a woman before he even gets involved with her.

And in case you didn’t know… men look for, find, and make meaning out of the signals they get from women almost INSTANTLY.

I’m sure you already know about the “Fight or Flight Response” and how this is an important part of human behavior for SURVIVAL.

But did it ever occur to you that the same “machinery” in the mind can make lightning-fast interpretations and decisions when it comes to other areas of social life?

What about areas like dating, sex, and REPRODUCTION?

If you want to understand how a man can become attracted to one woman, and how this can happen so quickly to where a man knows that a woman can be “The One” before he ever really talks to her, then it’s time to start paying attention to what’s going on “behind the scenes” in our fast-moving subconscious minds.

So along these lines, let’s look at a few of the things a man is looking for in a woman and making near instant judgments, after getting just a tiny amount of information about her.

1. Physical Health

2. Emotional Well Being

3. Sense of Humor

Now, I want you to think about this for a second.

If men can make up their minds about a woman in just a few short instants after seeing and communicating with her, then what are the things that women are doing that lead to these judgments?

I’ll give you the short answers here.

1. Physical Health – You know that men are often attracted to women of a certain physical size, shape, etc. in general. But do you know exactly why this is? It’s not because these sizes and shapes “look better”. It’s because men are wired to identify signs of Fertility and Youth in women. And the good news here is that a perfect hip to waist ratio is NOT the only way to indicate to a man that you are “Youthful” and “Fertile”. Personal “energy”, attitude, body language, and fashion can all act as indirect indicators of these things as well.

2. Emotional Well-Being – It’s no secret that men like to make fun of women for being too “emotional”. And while this is in part fun, this common male habit shows the existence of something deeper – that among men there is a strong belief in the importance of an emotionally “stable” woman. Men who are interested in relationships are EXTREMELY critical of how a woman handles herself and her emotions, because to them it says everything about how a woman will be when they’re close and connected and what’s in store for him.

3. Sense of Humor – This is the most subtle determinant of how a man will see a woman. When a woman is funny, laughing, or making jokes, it’s an indication of her high level of self-esteem and social status. When a man sees a woman smiling or laughing, or when a woman is funny and playful with a man, it lets a man know on an subconscious level that she is someone he can respect. An equal. And this can make a woman VERY desirable.

So I’ve given you a few specific tips and ideas to think about and apply the next time you’re going out.

But I want to share something else important with you…

Did you know that lots of men are often MORE COMFORTABLE having a woman “lead” the interactions early on, such as meeting and first dates?

If you’ve ever had to approach a man yourself, or let him know what you’d like to do, and how things “work” on a first date for you, then you know what I’m talking about.

But there’s a lot more to this. Let me explain…

In case you don’t see it, men are constantly seeking the approval of women in one way or another. (Don’t worry, I’m going to avoid the topic of “Mommy Issues” for now.. lol)

When men are single and dating, they look to women for non verbal “cues” as to when it’s OK for them to approach, talk, flirt, touch, and if it’s “going anywhere”.

But lots of women seem to forget this.

They forget that most men are seeking THEIR approval on a deeper level, and that a man will generally follow the example and tone they set with their behavior, attitude, body language, etc.

**Here’s a big direct hint around this. Some theory and technique for you…..

If you want a man to respond to you by pursuing you (and not the other way around where you have to pursue him) then you need to use the power of a woman’s role and LEAD him by letting him know that he has to win your approval.

Instead of trying so hard to win his approval.

In other words, a man needs to understand that YOU are the one who’s doing the “choosing”, and that you are selective with your time and attention.

But, exactly, how do you “lead”?

How do you approach a man but have him think he is approaching you, or get him to want to approach you in the first place?

Well, for lots of women, they’re not sure exactly what to say to a man when they first meet, when to say it, and are unsure how a man will respond and what to do about it.

Wouldn’t it be great if you knew how to start a conversation with a man you’re interested in and take his attraction and interest for you to the next level so that he’d ask you out?

And wouldn’t it be great to have the confidence that comes from KNOWING how and why a man will become attracted to you? And that it’s not just for all the wrong reasons!?

In the meantime, let’s think about what most women do in these situations with men.

Here’s a short list of usual things women do when they’re interested in a guy.

I call these the “doing what makes sense” courtship behaviors, because they all center around the idea of doing what makes sense to you instead of what works for the other person.

- Pursuing a man by trying to arrange ways to “accidentally” be around him and starting “safe” and casual conversations, hoping that something will spark.

- Telling a man how much you like him early on.

- Trying to hint to a guy that you want to be taken out or trying to convince him to go out with you.

- Becoming the “super-friend” and doing favors for the guy without him asking, or buying gifts to try to win over his affection.

If you’ve seen or done any of these before, then I don’t have to tell you that they don’t often lead to great results with a man.

It might seem incredible that people can act so similar, but these really are common and predictable things that women (and men) do to try and attract someone.

Here’s where I’d like to make a fascinating conclusion about these predictable and common behaviors as it relates to women approaching men and conversations.

Think about what it’s like to be a very attractive man.

You know, a man that has women approaching him all the time.

Attractive men usually have lots of experience and options interacting with women.

Which means that they’re approached by women all the time, and as a result, they see a lot of these “what makes sense” courtship behaviors from women.

In other words, lots of women do the same old thing that other women do.

See where I’m going with this?

Well, I’m saying that these common behaviors are BORING and PREDICTABLE ways of interacting with a man.

And BORING and PREDICTABLE are the enemies of ATTRACTION.

So what can you do or say to a man when approaching him to not be boring?

There’s an attitude I’ve seen that does wonders to create attraction and interest in men just through conversation.

I call it the “Playful & Independent” attitude.

Let me give you a very specific example and tell you a quick story…

The other day my friend Rob was in the market shopping for some ingredients for a dinner he was cooking.

Rob is a great single guy who likes to throw fun dinner and cocktail parties just for fun.

And from what I hear from most women who meet him, he’s quite the catch too.

Anyway, he was in the produce section at the market and a woman was next to him that he could kind of sense was interested and wanted to talk.

She had picked out a head of lettuce right before him, and he put his hand out to pick up some too.

Then as he grabbed the lettuce, the woman looked over at him quickly and said, “Copycat”, flashed a wry grin at him, then kept on doing her shopping like she wasn’t waiting for him to do
anything.

Rob loved it. He took the playful comment and immediately fired back in his own playful way.

Then as the conversation went on, she put similar playful and flirtatious comments out there and then backed off and waited for Rob to pick up the slack and take the ball and hit it back to her.

Next thing you know, Rob turned the conversation to the party he was having and invited the woman over and it turned out to be a great date.

Weeks later now they’re dating and growing closer.

So what went on there? It didn’t sound like that much, right?

Well first, the woman didn’t use the “what makes sense” stuff that lots of women use.

She could have made eye contact with Rob, waited for him to talk to her, and then asked him questions like, “What’s your name?”, or “What do you do?”

Boring!!

Instead, the woman decided to take a playful approach that intrigued him and didn’t have any of the common, boring, predictable conversational stuff.

And it was so different that it made him curious, compelled him to take an interest in her and he couldn’t help but respond and engage in the playful conversation.

Nice.

And once they started talking she kept the attraction and playful tension alive and built more of it by taking one step ahead with playful comments, and then waiting and taking a step back so that Rob would be drawn in and involve himself.

So in very subtle psychological ways, the woman was indicating to Rob several things:

- She wanted to have fun with him but didn’t just come out and say it by being too predictable with the way she showed it.

- She was different than other women in a good way.

- She wasn’t scared, nervous or dependent on the outcome or what Rob was going to say. She was having a good time personally, no matter what.

- She wasn’t going to just pursue Rob. She made sure that he was drawn in and interested by his own choices and decisions by leaving space for him to talk and be playful back so that there was a “back and forth” to the playful conversation and flirting.

I see this as a kind of magic mix that is extremely attractive to men:

Playful & Independent

I’ll talk to you again soon… and best of luck in life and love!

Your Friend,

Christian Carter

Categories : Attracting Men

Christian Carter is a leading advisor to women on dating, relationships, connection and love. An expert in psychology, communication and behavior, Christian Carter has developed foundational concepts that help women understand men, dating and relationships. Visit Christian's official website, by clicking here.

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